Well, I’ve joined Weight Watchers online. Again. Hubby has been really helpful this time — probably more than ever before. Last night, we talked over how I’d been doing, points-wise, the last few days. That’s very unusual for him, as he usually is pretty uninterested.

Today was actually my first weekly weigh-in. I didn’t lose anything, but, I also didn’t gain, despite attendance at a business conference which was awash with delicious, free, free-flowing food. So, I’m feeling pretty positive. I get tons of points as a serious fatty, which makes things easier, as well. My treadmill is repaired (though my son wails every time I turn it on). One step at a time.

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I am loving my new pressure cooker. I feel like a total cooking nerd for even mentioning it. Every time I’ve mentioned it in passing to my real world friends, I get quizzical looks, even though I honestly think pressure cooking is the next big trend. It lets me cook much more economically and healthily, and quickly. Beans and lentils and rice and tougher cuts of meat — all cook well and much more quickly in the pressure cooker. (For anyone not turned off by this talk, check out Miss Vickie’s site — the pressure cooker bible.)

The air was thick with humidity and clouds hovered overhead, but it was pleasantly cool early yesterday morning. As I approached the arch at Grand Army Plaza, just outside Prospect Park, I imagined how I would appear to the folks I was meeting. I wore yoga pants, a t-shirt, a baseball cap, and running shoes. I’d kept my sneakers adorned with the bright red strip of paper that the New York Road Runners Club had used to time my last event, thinking it provided some measure of cool — just the way I sometimes leave ski lift passes on jackets until they disintegrate. And I wore my heart rate monitor. Hey, why buy all the gadgets unless you use them when the occasion suits?

The occasion was the start of a free running training program put on by Weight Watchers — I applaud them for this, big time, as I think group support for exercise is a hugely important thing. I’d signed up probably months ago and promptly forgot all about it, until the trainer called me, saying the e-mail address I’d given had been bouncing. One letter had been left out. That call had been the wake-up I needed, perhaps, as it’s been a tough few weeks, emotionally and eating-wise.

I’ve been dealing with everything from job interviews to getting special education services for the boy to slowly winding down breast feeding with the baby (hormones gone wild!). Oh, and that’s not even mentioning the whole “attempting to move across the country and starting a family business” thing, which is posing lots and lots of challenges, both in my own emotions and in my relationship with my husband.

There were around 8 or 10 of us to show up at the meeting spot yesterday, everyone really friendly — mostly women but 2 men, as well. I was probably the biggest person there, or at least equivalent to the biggest. We warmed up, we stretched, and then we alternated walking and running, chatting with each other and enjoying the morning in the leafy green shaded park. Afterwards, I felt amazing, and I exchanged contact info with one of my fellow walk/runners, hoping that we can do some of our “homework” together during the week before our next meeting on Saturday.

This is a very very good thing for me. I’ve always been most successful in exercise when I’ve had a buddy, or even a group, to exercise with. Sure, running is usually pretty solitary, but having someone to meet, and someone to talk with, makes a huge difference to me. Back in the mid-90’s, I completed a marathon doing something similar to this Saturday training program. We met every Saturday and did a long run as a big group, and I trained during the week with a friend who ran at a similar pace. At the time, I was working two jobs. Not quite as challenging of a schedule as I have now, but it was relatively intense.

The culmination of this training program? A 5K run over the Brooklyn Bridge. Sounds fun, huh? I’m looking forward to it.

On weekdays, I often pick up my son from day care solo, and, by the time we amble home, he’s outrageously hungry. I know this because he begs for inappropriate things. “Candy,” he demands, or “lollypop,” he growls.

My job is to — as quickly as possible — cook something up that’s healthy, nourishing, tasty and satisfying, and… did I mention quick-to-prepare? Because while he’s screaming “lollypop” (and I’m saying “no”), he’s also saying things like “uppy mommy” (translation: pick me up) and “play me” (play with me). So it’s not like there’s this big leisurely window of opportunity.

An hour or so before this moment of panic, on the way home on the train, I scan my brain, and mentally scan the cupboards, for ideas of what I can prepare. There’s no time to go to the store before I pick him up, and taking him to the store in his hungry state is a recipe for disaster. And the food isn’t just for him, either. It’s also for me, and also for my husband. I refuse to be the kind of mom who prepares two entirely separate meals — one for the kids and one for the adults. For one thing, it just seems like too darned much work.

What I’ve been longing for, or longing to produce, is a meal plan. I’ve wanted to — in the style of school cafeterias — develop “meatloaf night” or “quiche night” or that kind of thing. Then, I can shop once a week, and know exactly what’s in store every night. I won’t have to stress about it on the way home; I won’t have to worry about whether I have groceries in stock; and I can make sure things are more healthy and complete.

Well, recently, I found an online service that seems to do a lot of the work for me. It’s by the author of The Six O’Clock Scramble, a family-oriented cookbook that I’m a fan of. The basic idea is that, every Wednesday, I receive an e-mail that links me to the customizeable menu for the week (dinners only). That, in turn, links to a PDF of all of the recipes, with side dishes, and with a shopping list. The recipes are healthy, but not crazy-spa-style healthy. You know what I mean… no broiled chicken with salsa, and that kind of thing. The idea is to actually feed a family, including potentially picky eaters.

It’s actually a huge commitment, to buy all this food at once and expect that I’ll prepare it, without wasting too much. But, I’m doing it, and I think it will be a really great thing for us all. I’m starting tonight, which is, interestingly enough, meatloaf night. I’m psyched, and currently just waiting for the boys to get home and eat. Everything smells delicious. Fingers crossed.

I read this yesterday and started thinking seriously about joining the program. Heck, I did more than think. I even talked to the guy and said I wanted to give it a shot.

As usual, I’m having this crazy inner dialogue. I keep having people say to me “I don’t know how you do it!” and I keep thinking… well, my mental health is suffering and I’m gaining weight. So, I’m keeping a lot of balls in the air, but, at what price? My health? My sanity? Oh, and we’re probably about to move — more later — so there’s about to be a whole lot more going on around here.

So I ask myself, would having a body tutor who keeps me accountable be helpful? Or would it all be another weight (ha ha, fat pun!) on my mind. The head of the program said he was going to shoot me an e-mail but I haven’t gotten one yet (must. check. spam folder), so maybe his brief conversation with me led him to believe I’m a hopeless case (this despite his intro e-mail that said he was “1000% certain I can help you achieve all of your health and fitness goals”).

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In other news, that elusive moving date is starting to move closer. My husband got the OK from his company to take the rent they’re paying for him now, and channel that into rent payments for a house for the whole family. Then, we can keep paying the mortgage on this house while we put it on the market. It basically just gives us a lot more flexibility, because there’s no way we could pay the mortgage on this house, and pay the rent elsewhere simultaneously. It would drive us into madness, if not bankruptcy. (Notice all the references to mental illness. Is it time for me to see my psychiatrist again, since I quit taking my meds a while back?)

So, we’re basically at a point where we are out of limbo. We can plan. We can move forward. We can call movers. We can set a moving date. There IS the small matter that we don’t know where we are moving TO, but we can dive headlong into research and get the kid onto the waiting lists for preschools, etc.

Well, enough blabbing. Gotta go scour the spam folder for signs the super-cheerful body tutor thinks there’s hope for me yet.

P.S. Yup. It was in the spam folder.

That even “reduced fat” Grands biscuits (American-style biscuits… like scones) have 170 calories and 6 grams of fat per-biscuit? My next question? What are the regular biscuits like? Well, at least they don’t cop out by saying a serving is 1/2 a biscuit I knew I hated these biscuits… or, uh, liked them way too much.

Of everything I’ve read about this study, PastaQueen’s post today makes the most sense to me. No, fat isn’t contagious, but the ways of thinking (and behaving) that make you fat probably are. There was a time in my life, in college, when I rented a house with two overweight roommates (and a ferret, but that’s another story all together…).

Likely because we shared the same way of thinking, we thought nothing of ordering 2 large pizzas for the three of us, and polishing them off in one sitting. At the height of it all, I remember having a great fondness for ordering “bread sticks” — i.e. a sauceless pizza cut into strips — which we dipped into ranch dressing. (Now, the image evokes in me equal parts of fondness and nausea.)

So, I’m not looking to be judged for how I look or what I eat, and I certainly don’t want people avoiding me because I’m fat, but if I can put myself into situations where more “normal” thinking prevails, that will probably help me avoid fat-perpetuating behaviors. To be in an environment where my delicious fresh-tomato salad inspires delight, rather than dismissal. That’s the kind of world I need to create and inhabit. (Not only for me. For my kid, too. And other “fat” people are welcome.)

It’s funny how I try and try and try to make things go right, and then, when I start to think about something else, I have a really good day, eating-wise. I had a pretty big breakfast today, but then I wasn’t hungry for lunch until around 3:30 p.m. So that was when I ate lunch. And, of course, that meant I wasn’t really hungry for dinner when I made something for the boy. So I didn’t eat. Simple as that. Then, as part of the kid’s nightime routine, I brushed my teeth with him. And now, though I have a little tiny rumble going, I’m going to go to sleep without dinner.

Besides the whole “good eating day” buzz, I’ve also just begun thinking more positively about the future of my weight struggle. On my way driving home today, crossing over the San Francisco Bay, I thought to myself… “you know, I’m really full from eating an Amy’s frozen lasagna and a piece of banana bread. How might it be if I just listened to my body and stopped eating when I was full (or, uh, satisfied)?” Hmm…

I feel like my capacity to eat has actually dropped. I get heartburn, and that overly-stuffed feeling, more easily now. Smaller amounts of food make me uncomfortable. So, I really need to just go with this… feel it… be there.

I’m also jazzed because, thanks to a recent Dietgirl.org post full of links, I have discovered a few new dietblogs that will likely become regular reads. Sadly, some of the folks I used to read regularly have stopped blogging. (Far be it from inconsistent me to berate them.) So my dietblog reading list has been somewhat shortened. I am not at a point where I’m that interested in marathon running diaries or super-fitness training blogs. It’s just so far from where I’m at that it depresses me. But there is a whole universe, apparently, of folks struggling with the same conscious eating stuff that I’ve been blabbing about most recently. Duh. Why does this suprise me? Anyway, it’s great just to read about these fellow travelers’ thoughts, and hopes, and feelings.

Speaking of feelings, I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed by my son’s temper tantrums, etc. (Not to mention hitting fellow day care kids, etc.) that I bought a book called something like “The Emotional Life of a Toddler,” and the main message is: emotions are hard to deal with. Toddlers melt down because they just plain don’t know what to do with the intense emotions — frustration, fear, anger — that everday life creates. So, my job, as a parent, is to reassure him that I still love him, that there’s life after anger, and that, if you work really hard, you can conquer the thing that’s frustrating you. (At least if it’s something like learning to put a cap on a pen, which is the level of thing that sets him off now.)

The other interesting thing. The book (and another I’ve read recently) really highlight the fact that a parent’s own feelings — things like unresolved emotional issues, feelings of guilt, etc. — can really influence the way we react to our kid’s behaviors. In the past few weeks, I’ve made some parenting blunders that I’m ashamed of, but doing this reading showed me that my situation was not only very common, but expected. Bound to happen, in fact, on occasion. Well, that’s a relief. And that “feelings and emotions are hard to deal with sometimes” sentiment? Yup. Couldn’t agree more. Thankfully, I’m pretty sure I’m not teaching the kid that eating is the solution to cancelling out challenging emotions. Now if I can only teach myself.

I’m eating a Pomelo/Pummelo that I bought on a whim at the grocery store. It’s HUGE (in line with my appetite these days) and tangy and tasty. I’d never heard of this fruit before but it’s apparently an ancestor of the grapefruit.

This cake may not look so tempting here, but it certainly was tempting during the little office birthday party… and now as it sits beckoning me from the kitchen. But I will resist. That’s more than I can say for my behavior over the last few days. We went out of town this past weekend, but were guests of one of my DH’s friends — a guy I’m not so sure how I feel about. This fellow is single, and his favorite subject is the girls he’s going out with. We get to hear about their ages (10 or more years younger than he is), their physical attributes (”nice titties” is a typical remark), and how far he gets with them, sexually. In other ways, he seems like a fairly nice guy, but I can’t help but feel alienated (on behalf of the boy, too) by constant talk like this. Not to mention that it exacerbates my own body insecurities. (It isn’t too supportive of my marriage, either.)

Anyway, in this sort of environment, I wasn’t feeling all that comfortable, and — as a guest — I didn’t have tons of control over what kind of food I was served. I could pass things up, but to do so meant I’d go hungry. So, I haven’t been doing great food-wise the last few days. Startlingly, it doesn’t seem to have caused me to gain weight (according to my personal scale) though it could be slowing losses. I did get a hike in, which was nice.

Now I’m back in my own kitchen — and some of last week’s stress is behind me — things are a bit better, mentally. I’m actually really looking forward to the WW meeting on Saturday. Not because I think I’m going to have a great weigh-in, but because I anticipate the motivation I’ll receive.

One of the big victories of the last few days I want to celebrate here is the fact we haven’t gone out or ordered takeaway in at least a week. Last night we had a lovely dinner — and I can’t wait to have leftovers for lunch today.

Last weekend, I’d bought a butternut squash (thankfully it came with a sticker of instructions on how to cook it), and it was still sitting in the refrigerator last night. DH was late coming home, so I had a bit of time to prepare dinner — though I had to do it while simultaneously keeping the boy happy and entertained. (He likes playing in his gym for only so long, and I love spending time with him, anyway.) So… I started the butternut squash roasting, got a whole-grain rice-like mixture (contains pearl barley and I’m not sure what else) going with some chicken broth in the rice cooker, and I browned some lean(er) ground beef.

When it was all cooked, I diced (and mushed up) the squash and mixed it all together with a lot of salt and pepper. It was really delicious, and when DH got home he was thrilled. (That’s just a bonus!) Even better, there were actually leftovers for today. I’m getting hungry just writing about it.
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So things are going OK on the cooking and, seemingly, the food front. I weighed again this morning (aargh! I can’t stop myself!) and again it was an even 200 (naked). I know my clothes weigh more than a pound and my WW WI last week was 201, so I’m a little afraid I’ve had a gain this week. Here’s what I think I might be doing wrong: too few fruits/veggies, not enough exercise, too-large portion sizes. So I think the first and last items will be easiest to address, as the whole caring-for-a-4-month-old schedule is still quite difficult, time-wise. (I think this will get better as he starts eating solid food and sleeping through the night.) Anyway, I’m going to work on those things but generally keep going as I’ve been going.

My deepest fear is that I must be doing something radically wrong because it has been too easy. And that my loss last week was a fluke. I’m going to push away thoughts like that and just persevere. If it turns out I need to make bigger changes, I will.