Well, I’ve joined Weight Watchers online. Again. Hubby has been really helpful this time — probably more than ever before. Last night, we talked over how I’d been doing, points-wise, the last few days. That’s very unusual for him, as he usually is pretty uninterested.

Today was actually my first weekly weigh-in. I didn’t lose anything, but, I also didn’t gain, despite attendance at a business conference which was awash with delicious, free, free-flowing food. So, I’m feeling pretty positive. I get tons of points as a serious fatty, which makes things easier, as well. My treadmill is repaired (though my son wails every time I turn it on). One step at a time.

——-

I am loving my new pressure cooker. I feel like a total cooking nerd for even mentioning it. Every time I’ve mentioned it in passing to my real world friends, I get quizzical looks, even though I honestly think pressure cooking is the next big trend. It lets me cook much more economically and healthily, and quickly. Beans and lentils and rice and tougher cuts of meat — all cook well and much more quickly in the pressure cooker. (For anyone not turned off by this talk, check out Miss Vickie’s site — the pressure cooker bible.)

Well, by some standards, my first few days on WW would be considered a miserable failure. I went WAY over on points, even counting the weekly “extras,” and this was just in the first three days or so. Thankfully, I’m not measuring myself by those standards!

I am looking at this whole endeavor as a long-term weight loss “caper” (to channel DG), where WW is helping me gauge the amounts and types of things I need to eat to lose weight. There will be learning along the way, and I’ll modify my habits to bring them in line with my goal. So far, I’ve learned that I need to keep lots more fruits, vegetables and other no- or low-point items in the house. I need to cook side dishes (I am the queen of the “one dish” meal) that are low in points, so I have something to munch on when the main dish is a bit rich, but not filling enough.

So far, I’m not giving up the “no artificial sweeteners” and “no fat-free dairy” mandate that I stated here a while back. I just plan to have smaller portions of “the good stuff” (TM).

Today is my first WW meeting. Actually I missed the first meeting because I failed to remember daylight savings time. But I’m going to meeting #2 of the day in just a few minutes. And I’m starting my WW week afresh.

I weighed myself this morning before jumping in the shower. The number I saw — 229 — was not only very close to 230, but it was also more than 10 pounds more than what I once thought was my “set point.” Slowly, or not so slowly, I’ve been inching up, day by day. My recent vacation didn’t help, either.

There in the shower, I finally came to a conclusion: I need to join Weight Watchers. My appetite and portion sizes, not to mention my food choices, have just become so out of whack that I need a jolt to the system. I need a little guidance to reacquaint myself which what’s normal, what’s good for me. Maybe it won’t need to last for long, but even a few weeks of being on program will help me get my bearings. Doing nothing is just getting me fatter, so I’ve got to do something positive.

So, I did. I came to work and took a minute or two to sign up for a monthly pass, which will get me access to all the online tools and as many meetings as I want. I got hubby’s blessing to do a meeting every weekend in our neighborhood. It’s only been 1/2 day, but I can see this continuing very successfully.

Because I’m still nursing the baby, I get some extra points — which I honestly feel like I need because I get low-blood-sugar crashes pretty easily. Generally, though, I think nursing is slowing down, as the baby is 9 months old today and eating plenty of solid food. So it’s getting to be time for me to take back my body — for good, this time, as I don’t expect to be getting pregnant again. I just need to make better choices more consistently, and ditch some of the needless extras that have added calories, without adding much satisfaction.

That step on the scale this morning comes after a vacation in which I reflected quite a bit. I also got to see myself through the eyes of my visiting brother and sister-in-law and their kids, and I wasn’t pleased with the picture. I also got to do some ice skating and skiing, which reminded me of the active athletic person I am, inside. It’s been a good week or so of thinking, and I honestly think I’m ready. I can’t imagine that this won’t be without some stops and starts — especially as I haven’t really planned out possible dinners for the family (a very important step!) — but I think it will come together and give me some much-needed awareness. For now, I’m actually feeling very full, after a vegetable-heavy salad lunch. I’m eager to continue along these lines.

Here we are, almost at the end of January, so it’s time for a wee check-in to see how I’ve been doing regarding my resolution to write down all my food/drink intake. How have I been doing? Uh.. not so great. SparkPeople, however free, was just a pain to use. I feel pathetically lazy saying this, but I just wasn’t interested in logging in and picking foods from a list (and stressing out about whether they were on there or not, and whether my approximations were anywhere close to the mark). I also don’t really want to count calories at the moment. Instead, I’ve now come up with a dead easy way of keeping a food diary that I’m rather proud of.

I am a big fan of Google Docs, which is basically an online, shareable version of Microsoft Office. I’ve set up a spreadsheet with the date in the left column, and slots for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and general thoughts to the right. I’m pretty much always logged on, so there’ll be no need to type in a username and password. I can bookmark the actual document itself and go right there (and leave) anytime I want. And in my quest to be more accountable and reap the benefits of the community (you noticed my first-ever “before” picture on here, right?), I’ll share the actual document with you here. If it’s really easy, and it is, I figure I’ll be more likely to actually do it. We’re only 2 days in, but so far, so good.

Ok, so the inimitable DietGirl is linking to me today, so I feel like I need to be a better blogger and actually update this site. Welcome, DietGirl readers!

I don’t have tons to say lately, especially on the diet/fitness subject, but I will give it a stab.

If I wasn’t previously a believer in the set-point theory, events of recent weeks might convince me. While pretty much eating/exercising as is natural — which is to say, eating fairly crappily and not exercising at all, save walking — I’ve stuck nearly exactly at the same weight: 217.7-ish. There’ve been ups, and there have been downs, I’m sure, but this has been the story for months now. Hmm…

So, I obviously need a change. (Go, Obama!) Given the overall economic picture (both globally and in our wee household), I don’t think I’m going to be joining a gym anytime soon. We actually have a great arsenal of goodies to move me toward fitness. Just need to avail myself of them. Here’s what I’m blessed with:

• Good shoes
  
• A jog stroller
  
• Exercise videos (and some steps)
  
• A Wii Fit
  
• And a pretty awesome treadmill.
  

The challenge is still a 4-month-old baby who’s either screaming to be held or attached to my boob. And there’s also that pesky 3-year-old who regularly insists that I “play with me!” or wants to sit on my lap. Oh, and that little matter of a full-time job, not to mention a diminishing food budget and a dearth of time to cook. I’m not making excuses. I’m just still not focusing on diet/exercise at this very moment, but I’m still feeling OK and hoping to get in a good long walk this weekend. TGIF.

Since June 4 - roughly 3 months ago - I have lost around 35 pounds. I can wear clothes I haven’t worn in a while. I can walk up stairs with relative ease. Amazing, right? Well, under any other circumstances it might be. But, as regular readers know, I gave birth on June 5 and have been breastfeeding ever since. (It feels like constantly.)

The weight has just dropped right off - or at least it did until I went back to work. Now the long walks of maternity leave have given way to sitting on my butt and stress eating. And every step onto the scale triggers deja vu. Haven’t I seen this number before? Indeed it looks like I have hit the end of effortless weight loss at approximately 217 — 5 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight, which is not a level I was particularly happy with. Now what?

Well I have begrudgingly begun looking at things like skim milk and reduced portion sizes. I’ve been checking out gyms more seriously and have done a couple of workouts. I got a Wii Fit for my birthday (and it promptly told me I was obsese — what a birthday present?!). I’ve been cautiously visiting Weight Watchers Online and considering the Core plan.

But still, I fight it. I don’t think I’m ready. I kid myself that my eating habits aren’t that bad, but even just the last couple of days have included a couple of different candy bars and some ice cream, and that’s not including the chips and other salty snacks. And when I cook, I definitely use white flour, butter, cheese, and plenty of other non-Core items. I don’t know if I could successfully pull off dinner for the family (and me) without having these items in my bag of tricks. And I’m honestly afraid that making a major change would send me mentally reeling and rebelling. But I need to change something, or I won’t be slimming down anytime soon.

So, how’s this for a strategy? Eat smaller portion sizes, substitute fruit for junk, and generally try to raise the number of veggies in my diet. Reduce the number of times I go for creamy salad dressings. Avoid refined carbohydrates (bagels, white pasta) most of the time. Drink more water. And look seriously at our budget for joining a gym. I think it’s the only way I’ll get to exercise regularly — to escape the family for a few hours.

—-

I stopped writing this the other day, and now I see an amazing NYT article that seems to answer my self-questions for me…

From the article:

Marion Nestle, the New York University nutritionist whose book “What To Eat” (North Point Press, 2006) focuses on sensible eating, said she thinks people view food as the enemy, when the real problem is that they have forgotten how to enjoy food in a healthful way.

“If you’re eating something you really like, maybe you won’t feel like you need to eat so much of it,” she said. “If you want a muffin, then eat a gorgeous muffin with marvelous blueberries that’s moist and crispy on the outside with a little sugar on it. Yum.”

—-

P.S. I get to hang out with Dietgirl — yes THE Dietgirl — today, as she and her hubby are visiting NYC. So exciting!

Here I am… showered, vitamins taken, teeth brushed and face moisturized. I’m even wearing clean clothes. Finally, I found some “me” time to do the very basics.

Next steps: find more “me” time every day to improve my fitness and eat healthfully. That’s what it’s all about, after all. It’s about taking care of myself instead of spending all my time on kid or baby or husband duty, and putting myself last. The past couple of weeks, especially when my aunt was here visiting, I got some glimpses of what it would be like to tend to my own needs again.

This seems simple, but one day I ran into a friend when we were both dropping off our kids at day care. I strolled along with her as she walked over to her gym, and she even gave me a tour. There we were, two women, walking along together, no kids in tow (baby was with my aunt at home). We could set a brisk pace. We could jaywalk. We could worry about no one other than ourselves. And then there was the gym. It was small, but nice, and close by. Hmm… I’d not considered it in my earlier digging (probably because I’d been thinking a lot about the rest of the family), but I found it had definite possibilities, and its proximity to the apartment is a big plus. After saying farewell, I popped over to my favorite bakery and picked up a couple of muffins for myself and my aunt.

Then, another time, my aunt and I were walking home from Target and stopped off to have lunch in this cute little restaurant in my neighborhood. The baby (picture here) did us the favor of sleeping the entire time. So, we ordered two lunches, split them both in half, and each got a taste of both. One came with a free half-pint of a draft beer, so I picked a local brew, which was as tasty as I remembered. We sat in this small restaurant, with wooden booths, exposed brick walls and gorgeous decorative light fixtures… and I felt like myself. I love trying new restaurants and this was just classic Pamela. Oh, how these small moments have helped me recapture who I am and what I want my life to be like.

For those of you without kids, it might be hard to imagine how these seemingly mundane interludes meant so much to me. With being pregnant, and now having my breasts given over to producing milk for the baby — not to mention the constant demands of the now-3-year-old — there just is so little time for me to indulge myself in my hobbies and interests. (Notice how long I go between blog posts.) However, I’ll soon be getting back to work — we’ve hired a nanny to take care of the kids when I return — and life will be getting back to “normal.” In there, somewhere, I need to keep these interludes coming. Time on the treadmill or out for a walk. Manicures and pedicures. New clothes. A night out with a friend. I can’t wait….

—-

P.S. I’m down to around 223 at last weigh-in (after eating and fully clothed), which is about 10 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight. Haven’t made much of a special effort, but I have noticed that pushing a stroller with the 3-year-old inside can be a really great core workout, especially uphill.

It says a lot about this new meal plan that I’m looking forward to leftovers for lunch, preferring whats in my lunchbox to anything I could buy fresh around here. And my packed meal is probably healthier than anything else I would eat, too.

So far, the dinners have taken a lot of time and energy to prepare — that’s the big downside — but they have both been big hits with the family. I’ve also probably started with the most ambitious and time-consuming of dishes, so I expect others to be faster and easier. Another observation: they make a mountain of food. It’s really too much for our little family. But the recipes so far have been freeze-able, and they also yield leftovers for lunch the next day. I have a feeling I’ll be very thankful for those frozen dinners someday soon, when I’m caring for a newborn as well as a preschooler.

When I first heard about the “Eat Like Me” blog, I have to admit I expected it to be a little self-satisfied and pretentious. Besides my natural distrust of “naturally skinny” people and nutritionists, I just couldn’t imagine anyone holding themselves up to the model of healthy eating. For every meal! But I checked it out anyway.

I’ve been so pleasantly surprised, and have found the Cristin’s entries to be so down-to-earth and just downright helpful to me in gaining a perspective. What do “normal” portion sizes look like? How often is it OK to “treat yourself”? What daily “indulgences” (2% vs. skim milk, for example) work? What’s great is that it usually helps me come down in favor of eating a little more — healthful stuff like peanut butter, smoothies, etc. — which makes it less likely that I feel the need to binge on less nutritious options. I’m definitely not following my own ideal to the letter right now (that previously-mentioned croissant was not an anomaly), but I feel like I’m working my way there, slowly but surely.

—

While I am linking let me just say “wow” — Love Your Fat Self in the Utne Reader is just amazing. No time to really say more, but it totally rings true.

This morning was a doozy. The boy insisted he wanted to “watch tee-bee” rather than getting dressed and going to day care, and he physically fought our attempts to dress him. After we finally wrestled him into clothes, got him out the door and dropped him off, we headed down to the subway. We rushed to catch a train only to find that it wasn’t the one we needed. Instead, it was the Q — one that (on a very cold day) would have dropped me a couple of very long blocks from my office — so we passed and waited for the next train…. the next ill-fated train. (Note this deft use of foreshadowing…)

A few stops out, the train just stopped. We heard the train operators talking to one another over the PA system (sidenote: shouldn’t they have a private channel to talk to one another?), basically admitting that they didn’t know what was wrong. Then, after a few minutes of back-and-forth, and waiting, the train lurched back into action. But our exitement was short-lived. The train would be taken out of service at the next stop, we were informed.

After lumbering off the train and braving the super-crowded platform, we decided to surface and find a new subway station. Twenty minutes of freezing-cold adventuring later, we stood on another platform, and up pulled the Q train… the one I’d earlier passed up in favor of the one that would (allegedly) take me closer to the office.

By the time I was walking that long couple-of-blocks to the office, I began to think that maybe I deserved some kind of treat, some kind of consolation, for my awful morning. There’s an amazing French bakery near the entrance to my office building. Perhaps one of their super-rich almond croissaints would do. Hmm… I thought to myself… my usual breakfast of eggs on whole wheat toast is much better for me. It’d help me power through the morning with a little protein. But the croissaint is so good, I considered, and I’ve had a rough morning. On the other hand, the croissaint is also more expensive, and the last time I had one I almost felt sick from the amount of sugar. But I deserve a little indulgence now and then, don’t I?

Long story short(er), I walked into my normal breakfast place, not the French bakery, and the short-order cook recognized me and asked, “eggs on whole wheat toast?” All I had to do was nod. After all, real love is feeding myself something that will sustain me, and nourish me, and keep me going for a few hours. That’s what I really need after a rough morning.

—-

In the interest of full disclosure, I must report that I did end up getting one of those fabulous croissants later. But, thankfully, it wasn’t out of some desire to console myself for a bad morning.

In other news, we finally unearthed our scale from one of the boxes and I found out the damage from pregnancy (and holidays) so far. I’m now up at 221, an 8 lb gain. Not ideal, but not terrible either, at 19 weeks (and counting!). Also, a doctor’s visit today — the first at new (old) NYC doctor — went well.

And… I’ve been wondering when I’d receive DietGirl’s widely-celebrated new book, which I pre-ordered back in the summer. It took me some time (and reading a blog post) to realize it had probably been sent to our previous address. Indeed, I checked the site, and it is likely winging its way toward me now, due to the magic of mail forwarding. Hope I receive it soon because I’m dying to dig in!