Ah, the predictable New Year’s resolution entry. I guess I’m switching it up a little by making it in advance of January 1 (if I manage to publish). Or maybe I’m switching it up by NOT resolving to lose weight. Yes, you heard that right.

What I’m resolving, instead, to do, is to begin journaling — writing down what I’m eating. I’ve been casting about for a tool for which to do this — I want to keep it super simple, and I was planning to avoid any calorie counting. But I’ve settled on the free (always a plus!) SparkPeople site. It’s full of advertising and super cluttered, but it’s fairly full-featured and seems like it will work for my purposes.

What are my purposes? I want to simply become more aware of what I’m sticking in my mouth. Lately, it’s been like “why not?” is the answer whenever I contemplate eating something else, even when I’m not hungry. I just want to give myself a second thought — time to ponder why I shouldn’t (or should) have that next bite, that next serving, that next whatever. Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? I need to pay more attention, and expect a journal will help me attend to such things.

As I’ve been wallowing in the pit of “something has got to change, but what?” I’ve started checking out the Dietgirl.org archives. Like from the very very beginning, when she was 351 lbs and first stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers.

What’s inspiring to me there is that she has these entries that hint at (or state) the kind of self-pity and self-hate with which I’m so familiar. There are posts when she talks about low points and feeling down. And, yet, she triumphs. I mean, of course it must be a continual struggle — you really can imagine it in those early days — but she manages to stay positive more often than not. (I am guilty, I know, of writing here when I am more negative, and want to spill my guts, rather than keeping a “chin up” attitude.)

I’ve got a lot more challenges than she. Every single morning and evening are spoken for by a certain pair of boys. (Like right now I can hear one creeping up the stairs while the other sits here in his jumping chair.) So it’s not just a matter of, “I’ll go to the gym tonight.” Still, it isn’t impossible, either. And I’ve got my husband’s support — at least he says he will support me, though his actions may be a little different.

The couple of times I lost weight successfully, life was fairly low-pressure. It was my last semester of college, when I only had a couple of classes left to go before I graduated. (70 lbs gone, but not forever!) And, another time, things were a little more intense, but I just had my food delivered to my door every day, so I didn’t have to make any choices (about 40-50 lbs gone and back that time). As soon as the stress ratcheted up, so did my weight. I’m not going to be able to re-create those situations now, that’s for sure, but maybe I tailor my weight-loss efforts to these times. I try to exercise 1x a week, rather than signing up for a triathlon. I can watch portion sizes more, banish “seconds” and go easy on the butter, rather than going gung-ho into low-fat, no-calorie everything (since I need to cook stuff that’s palatable to the family). Honestly, I’ve been eating so badly, and so crazily, lately — and it’s been ME, not the family — that there is plenty of room for improvement.

The question is, do I join WW online so I have some kind of points guideline — and risk feeling like a failure if I go over? Or so I just start doing it on my own, saving money and possibliy sanity — and risk failing for lack of accountability? I’m leaning toward #2. Just in the last couple of days I’ve been more mindful, paying attention to what I put in my mouth and noticing when I’m satisfied, and I already feel better. Maybe it’s enough to start like this.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend from college — who I’ve largely lost touch with since — asked me to be her friend on Facebook. I accepted, and then spent a lot of time scruitinizing her photos. Why? Well, I know from Googling, and from another friend, that she had weight loss surgery. And I am jealous.

I have mostly been trying to be at peace with myself at my current weight, and thinking I merely need to start exercising and eating better for my health, not for my appearance. But seeing this friend’s pictures, and observing my reaction to them, makes me realize that there’s a part of me that really would like to just be in a normal weight range. To be able to buy clothes in a normal store, or feel that, occasionally, I looked nice. These are things I long for. But how to achieve them?

I have rambled around, seemingly endlessly, on this blog, going from potential solution to potential solution — Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, home-delivered meals, anti-fat pills, mindful eating. It’s kind of depressing to think about it, actually. And I’ve gone through steady periods — 2 nine-month pregnancies — of not worrying about it much at all. But nothing has really stuck.

And it scares me, to really TRY something, to embark upon a journey of hope, and potentially of failure. Again. But it’s also clear that something has got to change. I catch myself, during times of stress — which is almost always, nowadays — stuffing my face with sweets, or whatever’s at hand, really. I seem to always need to be extremely full, but I don’t pay much attention to whether I’m hungry, or satisfied. My portion sizes are really crazy. I am almost always, always eating. Needless to say, it’s bad news — both for my health (mental) and for my appearance.

So, I’ve been pondering joining Weight Watchers online again. They have a new mobile application that I could use on my phone. Maybe I just need a little shock to the system — something to get me back in tune with my body, eating more fruit and vegetables, and aware of proper portion sizes. Obviously, I also need some exercise. I’ve got a bit of a plan in that regard.

And then there’s the part of me that just wants to SCREAM. I can’t believe I’m writing a post like this AGAIN! Haven’t I made ANY progress in all this time? *Sigh* I’m too hard on myself, I know. I’ve had two kids, nursing them both for quite a long time (9 months for #1, going on 7 for #2). I’ve moved across the country twice. I’ve settled into a marriage. I’ve held two pretty-demanding jobs. I just haven’t quite gotten the food and exercise thing right, and it’s festering.