Ah, the predictable New Year’s resolution entry. I guess I’m switching it up a little by making it in advance of January 1 (if I manage to publish). Or maybe I’m switching it up by NOT resolving to lose weight. Yes, you heard that right.

What I’m resolving, instead, to do, is to begin journaling — writing down what I’m eating. I’ve been casting about for a tool for which to do this — I want to keep it super simple, and I was planning to avoid any calorie counting. But I’ve settled on the free (always a plus!) SparkPeople site. It’s full of advertising and super cluttered, but it’s fairly full-featured and seems like it will work for my purposes.

What are my purposes? I want to simply become more aware of what I’m sticking in my mouth. Lately, it’s been like “why not?” is the answer whenever I contemplate eating something else, even when I’m not hungry. I just want to give myself a second thought — time to ponder why I shouldn’t (or should) have that next bite, that next serving, that next whatever. Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? I need to pay more attention, and expect a journal will help me attend to such things.

As I’ve been wallowing in the pit of “something has got to change, but what?” I’ve started checking out the Dietgirl.org archives. Like from the very very beginning, when she was 351 lbs and first stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers.

What’s inspiring to me there is that she has these entries that hint at (or state) the kind of self-pity and self-hate with which I’m so familiar. There are posts when she talks about low points and feeling down. And, yet, she triumphs. I mean, of course it must be a continual struggle — you really can imagine it in those early days — but she manages to stay positive more often than not. (I am guilty, I know, of writing here when I am more negative, and want to spill my guts, rather than keeping a “chin up” attitude.)

I’ve got a lot more challenges than she. Every single morning and evening are spoken for by a certain pair of boys. (Like right now I can hear one creeping up the stairs while the other sits here in his jumping chair.) So it’s not just a matter of, “I’ll go to the gym tonight.” Still, it isn’t impossible, either. And I’ve got my husband’s support — at least he says he will support me, though his actions may be a little different.

The couple of times I lost weight successfully, life was fairly low-pressure. It was my last semester of college, when I only had a couple of classes left to go before I graduated. (70 lbs gone, but not forever!) And, another time, things were a little more intense, but I just had my food delivered to my door every day, so I didn’t have to make any choices (about 40-50 lbs gone and back that time). As soon as the stress ratcheted up, so did my weight. I’m not going to be able to re-create those situations now, that’s for sure, but maybe I tailor my weight-loss efforts to these times. I try to exercise 1x a week, rather than signing up for a triathlon. I can watch portion sizes more, banish “seconds” and go easy on the butter, rather than going gung-ho into low-fat, no-calorie everything (since I need to cook stuff that’s palatable to the family). Honestly, I’ve been eating so badly, and so crazily, lately — and it’s been ME, not the family — that there is plenty of room for improvement.

The question is, do I join WW online so I have some kind of points guideline — and risk feeling like a failure if I go over? Or so I just start doing it on my own, saving money and possibliy sanity — and risk failing for lack of accountability? I’m leaning toward #2. Just in the last couple of days I’ve been more mindful, paying attention to what I put in my mouth and noticing when I’m satisfied, and I already feel better. Maybe it’s enough to start like this.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend from college — who I’ve largely lost touch with since — asked me to be her friend on Facebook. I accepted, and then spent a lot of time scruitinizing her photos. Why? Well, I know from Googling, and from another friend, that she had weight loss surgery. And I am jealous.

I have mostly been trying to be at peace with myself at my current weight, and thinking I merely need to start exercising and eating better for my health, not for my appearance. But seeing this friend’s pictures, and observing my reaction to them, makes me realize that there’s a part of me that really would like to just be in a normal weight range. To be able to buy clothes in a normal store, or feel that, occasionally, I looked nice. These are things I long for. But how to achieve them?

I have rambled around, seemingly endlessly, on this blog, going from potential solution to potential solution — Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, home-delivered meals, anti-fat pills, mindful eating. It’s kind of depressing to think about it, actually. And I’ve gone through steady periods — 2 nine-month pregnancies — of not worrying about it much at all. But nothing has really stuck.

And it scares me, to really TRY something, to embark upon a journey of hope, and potentially of failure. Again. But it’s also clear that something has got to change. I catch myself, during times of stress — which is almost always, nowadays — stuffing my face with sweets, or whatever’s at hand, really. I seem to always need to be extremely full, but I don’t pay much attention to whether I’m hungry, or satisfied. My portion sizes are really crazy. I am almost always, always eating. Needless to say, it’s bad news — both for my health (mental) and for my appearance.

So, I’ve been pondering joining Weight Watchers online again. They have a new mobile application that I could use on my phone. Maybe I just need a little shock to the system — something to get me back in tune with my body, eating more fruit and vegetables, and aware of proper portion sizes. Obviously, I also need some exercise. I’ve got a bit of a plan in that regard.

And then there’s the part of me that just wants to SCREAM. I can’t believe I’m writing a post like this AGAIN! Haven’t I made ANY progress in all this time? *Sigh* I’m too hard on myself, I know. I’ve had two kids, nursing them both for quite a long time (9 months for #1, going on 7 for #2). I’ve moved across the country twice. I’ve settled into a marriage. I’ve held two pretty-demanding jobs. I just haven’t quite gotten the food and exercise thing right, and it’s festering.

Since June… or really since the prior September, all I’ve worn is maternity clothes. No, I’m not one of those freaks of nature who leaves the hospital with baby in tow while wearing her pre-pregnancy jeans. (I know you’re surprised ;-)) And now, 5 months later, I’m all accustomed to my very limited wardrobe (now that it’s cold, I’ve only had 2 wearable pairs of pants, aka trousers). We just do laundry a lot.

There are a few reasons why I haven’t rushed out to buy new clothes. First of all, we’re pretty darned broke. This having-two-kids thing is a drain on the old bank account, especially given we’re “making payroll” every week, completely supporting another person, our nanny. Then, there’s the idea that I don’t want to make a big investment in togs that I’ll soon be unable to wear, after I slim down. (This one only has a tiny hold on my imagination right now.) But the most important reason is that I had this lingering feeling that there were a whole bunch of clothes sitting in a box somewhere (after our move), just waiting for me to discover them. After all, I had to have been wearing something back in September of 2007, and it wasn’t size 16, which is what I had readily available. Since I’d been wearing maternity clothes at the time we moved, I hadn’t paid much attention to where all my other clothes were packed.

I’d finally broken down this week and bought a pair of plus-sized jeans (18 Ws) at Target, and then, as these things usually go, we started going through boxes last night and uncovered 2 new pairs of jeans (20s) and a few new tops. I’d entirely forgotten about the jeans’ existence. Also, we unearthed some sweatpants for exercise and long-sleeved race t-shirts — so many memories in those race t-shirts. Yippee! I hadn’t realized, until this whole new wardrobe fell into my lap, how much I was eager to wear normal clothes. Of course, I’m going to be running around wearing jeans all the time, but that’s better than yoga pants, right?

So now, self-image-wise, I’m really transitioning to post-partum life. The baby started eating solid food — rice cereal — this weekend, so he’s on the road to being independent of me for his nutrition (though I still hope to breastfeed until he’s a year old). I’ve got non-maternity clothes to wear. Meanwhile, hubby went for a run this weekend, after which he felt really great and declared he is eager to support me in my exercise goals, too. My co-worker said she’d be up for training for a 5K with me in a few months, so we just need to identify the race. And we’re off….

Ok, so the inimitable DietGirl is linking to me today, so I feel like I need to be a better blogger and actually update this site. Welcome, DietGirl readers!

I don’t have tons to say lately, especially on the diet/fitness subject, but I will give it a stab.

If I wasn’t previously a believer in the set-point theory, events of recent weeks might convince me. While pretty much eating/exercising as is natural — which is to say, eating fairly crappily and not exercising at all, save walking — I’ve stuck nearly exactly at the same weight: 217.7-ish. There’ve been ups, and there have been downs, I’m sure, but this has been the story for months now. Hmm…

So, I obviously need a change. (Go, Obama!) Given the overall economic picture (both globally and in our wee household), I don’t think I’m going to be joining a gym anytime soon. We actually have a great arsenal of goodies to move me toward fitness. Just need to avail myself of them. Here’s what I’m blessed with:

• Good shoes
  
• A jog stroller
  
• Exercise videos (and some steps)
  
• A Wii Fit
  
• And a pretty awesome treadmill.
  

The challenge is still a 4-month-old baby who’s either screaming to be held or attached to my boob. And there’s also that pesky 3-year-old who regularly insists that I “play with me!” or wants to sit on my lap. Oh, and that little matter of a full-time job, not to mention a diminishing food budget and a dearth of time to cook. I’m not making excuses. I’m just still not focusing on diet/exercise at this very moment, but I’m still feeling OK and hoping to get in a good long walk this weekend. TGIF.

Since June 4 - roughly 3 months ago - I have lost around 35 pounds. I can wear clothes I haven’t worn in a while. I can walk up stairs with relative ease. Amazing, right? Well, under any other circumstances it might be. But, as regular readers know, I gave birth on June 5 and have been breastfeeding ever since. (It feels like constantly.)

The weight has just dropped right off - or at least it did until I went back to work. Now the long walks of maternity leave have given way to sitting on my butt and stress eating. And every step onto the scale triggers deja vu. Haven’t I seen this number before? Indeed it looks like I have hit the end of effortless weight loss at approximately 217 — 5 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight, which is not a level I was particularly happy with. Now what?

Well I have begrudgingly begun looking at things like skim milk and reduced portion sizes. I’ve been checking out gyms more seriously and have done a couple of workouts. I got a Wii Fit for my birthday (and it promptly told me I was obsese — what a birthday present?!). I’ve been cautiously visiting Weight Watchers Online and considering the Core plan.

But still, I fight it. I don’t think I’m ready. I kid myself that my eating habits aren’t that bad, but even just the last couple of days have included a couple of different candy bars and some ice cream, and that’s not including the chips and other salty snacks. And when I cook, I definitely use white flour, butter, cheese, and plenty of other non-Core items. I don’t know if I could successfully pull off dinner for the family (and me) without having these items in my bag of tricks. And I’m honestly afraid that making a major change would send me mentally reeling and rebelling. But I need to change something, or I won’t be slimming down anytime soon.

So, how’s this for a strategy? Eat smaller portion sizes, substitute fruit for junk, and generally try to raise the number of veggies in my diet. Reduce the number of times I go for creamy salad dressings. Avoid refined carbohydrates (bagels, white pasta) most of the time. Drink more water. And look seriously at our budget for joining a gym. I think it’s the only way I’ll get to exercise regularly — to escape the family for a few hours.

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I stopped writing this the other day, and now I see an amazing NYT article that seems to answer my self-questions for me…

From the article:

Marion Nestle, the New York University nutritionist whose book “What To Eat” (North Point Press, 2006) focuses on sensible eating, said she thinks people view food as the enemy, when the real problem is that they have forgotten how to enjoy food in a healthful way.

“If you’re eating something you really like, maybe you won’t feel like you need to eat so much of it,” she said. “If you want a muffin, then eat a gorgeous muffin with marvelous blueberries that’s moist and crispy on the outside with a little sugar on it. Yum.”

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P.S. I get to hang out with Dietgirl — yes THE Dietgirl — today, as she and her hubby are visiting NYC. So exciting!

Well, him and work…

I’ve been pretty much completely offline for a couple of weeks — visiting family in TX with the two boys — and I’m SO glad to be back. Loved catching up on the antics of my favorite diet/exercise bloggers tonight, and look forward to more updates of my own as I begin to return to a regular schedule (no more maternity leave) as of Monday. Yippee!

Here I am… showered, vitamins taken, teeth brushed and face moisturized. I’m even wearing clean clothes. Finally, I found some “me” time to do the very basics.

Next steps: find more “me” time every day to improve my fitness and eat healthfully. That’s what it’s all about, after all. It’s about taking care of myself instead of spending all my time on kid or baby or husband duty, and putting myself last. The past couple of weeks, especially when my aunt was here visiting, I got some glimpses of what it would be like to tend to my own needs again.

This seems simple, but one day I ran into a friend when we were both dropping off our kids at day care. I strolled along with her as she walked over to her gym, and she even gave me a tour. There we were, two women, walking along together, no kids in tow (baby was with my aunt at home). We could set a brisk pace. We could jaywalk. We could worry about no one other than ourselves. And then there was the gym. It was small, but nice, and close by. Hmm… I’d not considered it in my earlier digging (probably because I’d been thinking a lot about the rest of the family), but I found it had definite possibilities, and its proximity to the apartment is a big plus. After saying farewell, I popped over to my favorite bakery and picked up a couple of muffins for myself and my aunt.

Then, another time, my aunt and I were walking home from Target and stopped off to have lunch in this cute little restaurant in my neighborhood. The baby (picture here) did us the favor of sleeping the entire time. So, we ordered two lunches, split them both in half, and each got a taste of both. One came with a free half-pint of a draft beer, so I picked a local brew, which was as tasty as I remembered. We sat in this small restaurant, with wooden booths, exposed brick walls and gorgeous decorative light fixtures… and I felt like myself. I love trying new restaurants and this was just classic Pamela. Oh, how these small moments have helped me recapture who I am and what I want my life to be like.

For those of you without kids, it might be hard to imagine how these seemingly mundane interludes meant so much to me. With being pregnant, and now having my breasts given over to producing milk for the baby — not to mention the constant demands of the now-3-year-old — there just is so little time for me to indulge myself in my hobbies and interests. (Notice how long I go between blog posts.) However, I’ll soon be getting back to work — we’ve hired a nanny to take care of the kids when I return — and life will be getting back to “normal.” In there, somewhere, I need to keep these interludes coming. Time on the treadmill or out for a walk. Manicures and pedicures. New clothes. A night out with a friend. I can’t wait….

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P.S. I’m down to around 223 at last weigh-in (after eating and fully clothed), which is about 10 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight. Haven’t made much of a special effort, but I have noticed that pushing a stroller with the 3-year-old inside can be a really great core workout, especially uphill.

Hello!!! I’ve missed this blog, and anything else other than nursing and mothering, over the past couple of weeks. It’s good to be back!

A couple of snippets of news. I’d reached around 250 lbs with the pregnancy, but lost around 20 just with the delivery. Approx 7 lbs of baby, some placenta, amniotic fluid, etc. — gone, instantly. Now I’m breastfeeding like crazy and hoping to drop some more poundage. The great thing is that I’ve actually been craving HEALTHY things, unbelievably. Fruits, whole grains, etc. have all been high on my list post-partum, and I’m just totally going with it. Of course, I’ve been eating the odd ice cream (and an occasional frozen yogurt when I go out), so it’s not like I’m on the picture-perfect diet. Still, it’s generally been good and there’s been no real binging. Weighed myself this morning and I’m down another 4 lbs. I think perhaps the nursing has gotten me hyper-aware of the “food as fuel” concept — if I go too long without eating it’s scary the way my body reacts, and so I want to keep it fueled up as effectively and efficiently as possible.

The current fitness plan (to begin in the next couple of weeks) is to do the “Couch to 5K” program, and pick a target 5K to participate in. Was thinking of the Race for the Cure on Sept 14, and still may do that. But my potential training partner (yes! I have one of those now!) will be out of town that weekend — though she’s still up for training with me, anyway. So I need to either settle on that race, or find another that we can both run in. Must scour local race schedule.

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One of the biggest weights on my mind may soon be lightened. We (finally) got an offer on our house, and our counter-offer was accepted. So we are in contract and set to close around July 20. It wasn’t that close to our asking price, but it looks to be fair, given comparables in the area, so we are pleased. The house (and the uncertainty surrounding it) has been sort of draining us dry, what with expenses like trash pick-up, water, electricity, gas, etc. that we’ve been paying for, but not using. Not to mention the mortgage! Anyway, fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly in the next stages of the process, and that we actually close as expected. It’d be fantastic to get that behind us, as we ramp up to doubling our child care expenses when I go back to work.

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What else? Well, things with the little one are really nice, though demanding. He’s eating and gaining weight like a champ. We are also set to go on a big trip for a family wedding in Italy. (Not that we can afford it, but they came to our wedding despite difficult financial circumstances…) So, that’s exciting, but I have nothing to wear! Ok, baby crying so this is a good time to call this post quits. Until next time…