I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about eating, and health, and exercise, and I’ve come to a real revelation in my way of thinking. It’s a pretty simple idea. What it comes down to is: love myself. Because, though so many of the typical diet behaviors are ostensibly aimed at making one feel better, look better, etc., they also often come from a place of evil self-hatred and self-destruction. Thankfully, I think I’ve figured out some great behaviors that are equally helpful, but which come from a place of love. (The trick, now, is to actually do them.)

Here’s a handy-dandy list to explain what I’m talking about:

• Hatred = Eating fake over-processed food (fat-free cream cheese or artificial sweetners come to mind). Love = Eating smaller quantities of the really good stuff (brown sugar, heavy cream).
  
• Hatred = Taking pills (Alli) that keep you from digesting fat, but also keep you from processing vitamins. Love = Taking your vitamins.
  
• Hatred = Avoiding bananas, avocadoes, potatoes, etc. because they have “too many calories.” Love = Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables every day, knowing they have nutritional value that trumps nearly anything else.
  
• Hatred = Beating yourself up when you over-indulge. Love = Accepting that, in a human life, there are ups and downs.
  
• Hatred (or not enough Love, anyway) = Eating whatever is available, all the time, because I don’t feel I’m worth the trouble to cook something healthy. Love = Making food daily from fresh, simple ingredients.
  
• Hatred = Getting down about barely fitting into airplane seats on a recent trip. Love = ?? I still haven’t figured out how to process that, exactly, except maybe to keep my chin up. Or become an activist and push for larger seats. In truth, I want to exercise and eat right so this doesn’t remain an issue.
  

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Meanwhile moving (and pregnancy) progresses. We are this close to booking a mover, and a car mover. We have a new place (can’t remember if I mentioned that bit). We found a day care (Halleluia!) for the boy that we like, and that actually has openings. We are setting things up for packing, and for fixing up the house a slight bit, before we go. We still need to set a date, and book flights, for actually leaving ourselves, but it is really coming along. I totally can’t wait, especially considering the new, regular chorus of “daddy, daddy!” that the boy sings out at regular intervals. He misses his daddy so much. So do I.

I can think of little else other than the fact that I am expecting a call from a genetic counselor, who will tell me whether the fetus has all the correct number of chromosomes. Aargh.

I called her at 11 to start the stalking process. Left a message. Then again at 1, when she said she usually heard from the lab. I talked to her, but she didn’t yet have results. She said that at 2 (15 minutes ago), she would call the lab and see if she could get a better estimate of when the results would be ready. No word from her yet.

All today, I’ve been thinking back to my first pregnancy, when I went through a similar waiting and stalking process, only to hear heartbreaking news. Needless to say, these memories are not comforting.

But then there was pregnancy 2, and the genetically normal little boy who now lights up our lives. In other positive thoughts, I saw a rainbow coming into work this morning, so surely good things will happen. Still, my stomach is churning and my heart is beating more quickly, just thinking about the phone ringing.

Should the news be good, we’ll be telling everyone — we’ve still told very few people — over the Thanksgiving weekend. I’ve got a work conference call at 3, so no doubt the phone will start ringing then. Send good vibes this way, please. And calm.

UPDATE: Finally, at 5:10 p.m., I made my last stalker call to her, after she’d said she’d have news “in the next 10 minutes” at around 4:20 p.m. The fax came in as we were on the phone. All the right numbers of chromosomes were present! Yippee!!!! And… it’s a BOY! I started bawling around halfway through receiving the news. Luckily, I was able to talk long enough to pass along the news to my husband. What a huge huge relief. Now I can tell my family!