I’ve read many fatblogs that explore the experience of coming down in sizes. You suddenly notice your cheekbones; your clothes start looking baggy; you consider having a tummy-tuck to get rid of loose skin when you reach your goal weight. Well, I’m experiencing a lot of that now…. but backward.

What’s happening to me is that I’m noticing my legs rub together more; I’m noticing my back hurt; I’m feeling the fat rolls on my back for the first time; I’m feeling so stuffed and uncomfortable after eating. I’m looking closely at recent pictures of me, and really taking in what other people see. It’s a crazy thing.

What’s even crazier is that I think this is a good thing. It shows I’m actually noticing and feeling my body, if not looking at it in the mirror every chance I get. Much of the time — and this is probably easier because I am married and not looking for a partner — I go around thinking of myself as a disembodied head. I look at my face in the mirror, and I’m conscious of my mind and my thoughts, but it’s almost like I’m in denial that I even have a body. I suppose one side of me hopes I “hit bottom” and get fed up (pun intended) with the way I look and feel, so I can be motivated to change my ways.

Well, I am doing a few things. One is re-reading “The Rules of Normal Eating,” which is helping me focus on some of the emotions and judgments I have around eating. Second is scheduling an appointment for an annual (probably my first in 4 years) physical work-up. Last time, testing found my cholesterol slightly elevated and the doctor recommended I modify my eating and exercise routine. Since then I gained 40 lbs or so in pregnancy, and lost most, but not all, of the “baby weight.” Not facing the situation isn’t doing me any good, I know. I just need to see what’s really going on in those veins and arteries of mine. Third is trying to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier, so I can resume my morning treadmill routine. If not that, I need to break out my abdominal exercise video, to try to combat this emerging back pain.

My hope, of course, is that these unpleasant fat-piling-on sensations will disappear in time, because the fat is disappearing. Then I’ll look back at this time in my life and say, oh, well… thank goodness that’s over.

Now that I’ve sort of re-emerged into the diet blog world, at least for a little while, I feel like I need to follow-up my last post with something a little more…uh… positive. Though I think I honestly have ample reason to be angry, and even depressed, I feel like my tendency toward self-pity just aggravates my situation.

Then I get into this whole introspective thing like… am I focusing on myself — and the negative — too much (feeling sorry for myself, worrying about being separated from my husband, expressing concern about my son’s development) or am I focusing on myself too little (denying myself exercise and “me” time, selling myself short, and demanding too little of my husband and son)? The remedies for each of these problems seem mutually exclusive.

Anyway, my hubby is in town this long, Memorial Day, weekend, and we scored free tickets (great seats, apparently) to a San Francisco Giants baseball game tonight. So, all’s well for the moment, and I feel good about the next few days. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d better finish up some work.

(P.S. Dietgirl, your comment on my last post really helped me get my chin up. That’s why I started this blogging thing in the first place — support and community. Good weekend, all!)

So, do you think a blog redesign will help me re-focus my efforts on losing weight? Probably not… but it’s fun, and I enjoy toying with the technology.

So, what’s been going on? To be honest, I feel like I’m barely keeping it together… or not keeping it together at all.

This morning, my son’s day care provider took me aside to tell me she was worried about his behavior. He hits, he throws, he disregards everyone else’s feelings. He goes out of his way to shove the other kids when he walks by them. It’s disruptive enough that she has to sit him separately from the others for meals, so he doesn’t shove all of their plates off the table. The saddest part is that she said the other kids don’t want to play with him anymore. She said she knows a therapist that we should possibly consider talking to.

Meanwhile, the house is a wreck. My husband and I are still separated — by a continent if not completely emotionally. My job is stressful (but enjoyable). I have gained –  not lost — weight. American Express actually cut off our account the other day, because we owe them so much dough. Our bank account is perpetually overdrawn. But that’s really just the negative stuff. Typically, my two coping mechanisms — eating and buying things — only drive me deeper into a hole. There are good things going on, but they are overshadowed by the challenges right now.

I’m struck by two conflicting impulses. One is to stop beating myself up over my weight — so I can simply worry about putting food on the table, rather than trying to cook something healthy. The other is to try and take charge of my health, because it affects how I feel about everything else.

Bah. I’m obviously not getting anywhere with this thinking-aloud blog post, but I wanted to let you know I’m still out here. Really, I am.