The boy and I were eating dinner tonight — fettucine alfredo from a "chicken helper" box — and it was all I could do to focus on eating. I kept wanting to open a book, to check out a recipe in a cookbook, or do any possible thing other than simply focus on eating. It’s crazy, and I don’t think I really realized the extent to which I seek mindless eating. I seem to seek out things like books, TV, computers, etc. while I eat, perhaps because they let me mindlessly shove food in my mouth without thinking about it or paying attention to when I am full. This never stopped when I dieted. I just sought other things — lite popcorn, carrot sticks, etc. — to munch on mindlessly. Hmm…

Still, I made it through another night, and, despite the fact that it was fettucine alfredo and super delicious, we have leftovers that actually made it into the refrigerator. I mean I thought a hundred times about just having a little bit more — warming up that delicious pasta and digging in. But, I didn’t. I honestly wasn’t hungry, and it just isn’t going to help me feel better. This is growth, I think. I honestly don’t remember any time in my history when I was so aware of my bad habits, and genuinely sought to create better ones.

I still haven’t made breakfast or lunch a part of this "mindful" eating crusade. But we are broke until payday and the corner store doesn’t take Amex, so at work I’ve been surviving on my stores of soup and granola bars. And I’ve been bringing and eating a fruit snack every day. Anyway, things are getting better, and I’m getting more aware. That’s definitely a good thing.

My e-mail has been screwed up (a typepad and/or domain registrar problem), but that should be settled now. So all you commenters, fear not the bounce!

In one week, I’ve managed to pay overdue taxes to NY state, get our car’s registration renewed, pay some overdue medical bills, take care of a longstanding issue with my apartment in New York, and follow up on some other medical bills rejected by our former insurance company. These are things that have been hanging over my head for weeks, if not months, and this past week I was able to cross them all off my list.

Why? Well, I blame the drugs. I’ve felt so much more energetic, and happy, and positive, if a bit jittery. In fact, it hasn’t been until I got out from under the cloud that I’ve realized how bad it was. No, it’s not like all my problems are solved, but I do feel so much more optimistic. I even feel more positive about my relationship with my husband. (Who, by the way, knows about this blog but I don’t think he reads it.) Fingers crossed that the positive feeling continues.
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Food-wise, the medicine seems to have worked, as well. Today at work — in part because it was raining outside and I was avoiding going out to get lunch — I totally survived the day on things that I happened to have in the office. I’d brought fruit; I had a frozen spinach souffle in the work refrigerator; and  I had some cans of (healthy) soup. I was hungry for a lot of the day, I will admit, but I was able to go on and not let the hunger totally rule my life.

Tonight, the boy and I went and grabbed some Chinese food to bring home and eat. Some of it was pretty delicious. And, yet, most of it is still in the container in the refrigerator, because neither he nor I stuffed ourselves.

Maybe this is all just psychosomatic. Maybe it’s just the first-flushes of the new medicine. Maybe it won’t last forever. But I am just so happy to sort of have a break from the negativity and the "poor pity me" feelings I have had so often. I know I’m going to get some good exercise — somehow, some way — this weekend, and I am really looking forward to it. In fact, I’m looking forward to everything a lot more these days.

I woke up last night and couldn’t get back to sleep. I lay there in the dark, with equally dark thoughts going through my mind. If everything turned to shit and I had to support myself and the boy, could I do it? I ran the numbers in my head, while, at the same time, trying to banish the thoughts and get back to sleep. Day care costs? House rental costs? When I started to hear BART trains going by, I knew it was all over. It was almost time to wake up.

I decided to take advantage of my sleeplessness, once I resigned myself to it, and actually get up when my alarm went off. (Yippee!) I trundled downstairs and put on the Firm CardioSculpting DVD. There were times when the moves changed so quickly that I couldn’t keep up, but, generally, I was moving, it was good, and I got my heart rate up for a decent amount of time. I worked up a sweat. Even squeezed in a quick shower before the boy demanded my presence at his bedside.

My resolutions… well, at least I’m becoming a lot more AWARE of how I’m unaware when I’m eating. I still have been eating breakfast in the car on the way to work. (Not only unhealthy, but downright dangerous.) The boy has been a little better, I think, in his eating. I’ve been cooking healthy stuff. Well… it’s a process. It’s a path. And I still feel I’m heading in the right direction.

My worst nightmare is coming true, I fear. The other morning, as we were dropping the boy off at day care — a rare dual parent drop-off — the provider pulls us aside and says she wants to talk to us. She’s concerned, she says, about his eating habits. He eats more than all of the other kids, and is actually making enemies among them by stealing food from their plates. He’ll eat a full meal, and then stuff his face with 2 bananas, for example. She’s worried about him, she says, because she doesn’t want him to have the medical problems associated with obesity later in life. * Sigh*

I’ve seen this behavior myself. We went out to eat the other night, and my husband shared his plate with the boy. He was super super hungry to start with (which may have been part of the problem, now that I think about it), and then he kept eating and eating, beyond all reason. At some point, it was difficult to imagine how he was fitting it all in his little stomach. But when my husband stopped feeding, he’d open his mouth and say "aah, aah," like a little bird asking to be fed.

Now, I don’t think restricting his food intake is the answer. I think that’s only setting him up for some kind of eating disorder… or perhaps he begins to learn he has to sneak food in order to be satisfied. So, I got this book — How to Get Your Kid to Eat but Not Too Much — and a lot of the ideas seem like good ones. I also talked to the boy’s doctor… well, a nurse practitioner in the doctor’s office. And she gave some ideas for helping him slow down and get more in tune with his body’s own signals.

Sometimes, when I think about it, I’m just so sad and worried about my son. Is he doomed to a lifetime of struggling with the same issues I faced? But then, I think about how great it is that I’m aware of this, and can work on getting him to have a normal relationship with food — at the same time I work on it for myself. Here are a few resolutions for us both….

1. We will not eat in front of the TV, or the computer, or while reading a book. We will concentrate completely on eating, and on savoring our food.
2. We will eat healthy, wholesome, home-cooked (if possible) meals. I won’t go overboard by cutting out all fat, salt, sugar, etc. but I will keep it moderate. I’ll keep processed foods to a minimum, and I’ll lean toward whole grains.
3. We will eat slowly, and deliberately, and take our time. I will encourage him to take small bites and chew thoroughly.

4. We will limit TV to 1/2 hour to 1 hour daily, if that.

5. On weekends, we will go to the park or do some sort of physical activity both days.
6. We will have plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables as part of our diet.

Hmm… maybe this crisis (and the medication) are just the kick in the pants I need.