Things are, as my buddy Tom would say, “crazy insane, got no brain.” (Quoting the Cypress Hill lyrics, of course.) Work is crazy busy, and I’m also intensely exploring other possibilities. Taking the day off tomorrow, in fact, to do some work around the house and talk to some people.

Eating and food are, on the one hand, ever present worries and subjects of contemplation (especially because I’m reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma - see link in left sidebar), but, at the same time, the lowest priority. I’m sad to say that twice this week, the names of evening meals have ended with the word “Helper.” And we had take-out another night. Hm… is it only Thursday? Did I actually cook something one night this week? Seems unlikely.

Meanwhile, we work to plan (and execute plans) for a first birthday party for the boy. (Mia, I hope you can make it - July 9.) It’s just going to be a barbecue in the back yard, but boy does our back yard need work. It’s kind of scary actually, how many weeds are growing, including something a friend identified as wild fennel. Luckily, I don’t like fennel so I don’t have to be worried about being tempted to try it and potentially poisoning myself.

I’m girding for a lot of hard garden work (and a lot of whining from the boy who will not want to tolerate our working) this weekend. Mostly of the weed-picking and brush-clearing variety. I think we need this kick in the butt to actually get things done in the yard. I actually bought a blowtorch (or something like it) today, to help us in natural weed control. Wish us luck. We desperately need it.

One of the most beautiful things about living in Northern California is the stunning array of fresh produce and artisinal dairy products (not to mention wine) available from area producers. I came upon one this morning: Saint Benoit Yogurt. I had in the Meyer lemon flavor, which I found light, fluffy, subtly sweetened and not especially calorific (187 cals for 7.5 oz). I’m not the only one who thinks it’s great. It’s expensive, though (in part because it comes in a ceramic pot that can be returned for some of your money back), so it’ll certainly be only an occasional treat.

Can I eat this kind of food — unquestionably nutritious, locally produced of fresh ingredients — and still lose weight? We’ll see.

It’s kind of amazing how much better I feel after quitting. I feel a lot more free and just generally happier this weekend. There is a lingering worry about whether I’m going to go absolutely crazy and eat everything in sight, but so far that hasn’t happened. In fact, without the program to rebel against (I’ve always been the rebel type), I’m probably eating better overall.

Well… I’m quitting WW. At least for now. I’ve spent the last few days obsessed with food, to the point that I’m itching to rebel and eat something that’s not on the program. I’ve been miserable. Beating myself up right and left. But now I’m stopping. I honestly think that if I’m easier on myself and relax, I’ll eat better and lose weight. At least I’ll lose some weight and begin to feel better. It’s like the stress of trying to stay on a diet (among all my other worries in the parenting, work, marriage and home realms) just pushes me over the edge to stress-related eating. Not good. Anyway, I’m all smiles today.

I did the dishes this morning (we don’t have a dishwasher and it’s a constant struggle to keep up with things) and straightened up a little, and I feel so much better. It’s crazy how the messy house, the garden overrun with weeds, etc. just makes me feel so incompetent and useless. I honestly can’t do that much because I’ve always got the boy in tow.

Ok, totally off the subject (but I guess on the subject of getting in touch with your feelings), I ran across this video this morning. It’s a parent’s commemoration of the one year anniversary of adopting their daughter. Totally tear jerking, especially with the boy’s one-year birthday coming up. Luckily I have a great office-mate who, when he walked in on me crying, watched the video with me again rather than making me feel embarrassed. Oh, boy.

Well, it wasn’t an easy day but I seem to have escaped unscathed. Dinner was whole wheat pasta with chicken/turkey sausage and marinara sauce. Plus carrots thrown in there. Not exactly Core, but I think it would work. Had 2 tubs of FF greek yogurt, with a little sugar to sweeten it, this afternoon, and I think having it there — as well as my willingness to count points on the sugar — really saved me.

I went to WW this evening, though, and I was up 2.2 from the previous time I weighed in. And that time I’d been up 3 something. So it’s pretty much bad news. But I am where I am, and this is where I’ve got to start from. The boy was wreaking havoc at the WW meeting, crawling everywhere (including out the door) at every opportunity. When I moved closer to the actual meeting (rather than in the back where the scales and a toybox are), he started making lots of noise. Ah, the trials. Thank goodness he’s so cute.

Still need to sew up the one day by going to bed without anything non-Core. Then, I begin tomorrow.

Ended the day yesterday with Chinese food…. not so good… definitely not Core. It wasn’t deep fried Chinese food but it definitely could have been better. So, again, I start. Went to the grocery store this a.m. and bought (Core) cereal and organic nonfat milk. Also picked up some thinly-shredded turkey and some nonfat Greek yogurt. Brought some grapes and oranges to work, too, along with some split pea soup (in a can). So, I got me some tools here to do the job of eating right today. Just gotta actually do it.

One side of me feels so pathetic that I’ve reduced my goal to actually eating right for ONE day. The other side believes that these tiny steps are absolutely the key to my reaching greater goals in the future.

Trying not to have “starting over fatigue” as I begin again. My goal today is to stay on program today, and today only. This baby baby baby step will hopefully give me momentum until tomorrow. So far, I’ve eaten watermelon, fruit salad and lentil soup. I’ve drank black coffee and water. I have some sweet corn ready to toss in the microwave. So far, so good.

Well… I’m demoralized. It’s hard to tell whether it was the debauchery of the Scottish vacation, or maybe the fact that I just started my period (for only the second time in a couple of years), but my head is not in the right place. And it’s definitely showing in my eating, and in my weight. Aargh. Sometimes there’s a measure of hope there… a light at the end of the tunnel… but mostly it’s dark and sad and hopeless. So I live for the immediate rather than thinking of the future, which pretty much guarantees that I stay miserable. Again, I’m considering going to a doctor to talk about anti-depressant meds. What am I, if not depressed?

One thing that may be contributing to all this is an excess of drink. As I said, I just returned from Scotland where life (at least among hubby’s friends and family) comes with a lot of booze. And of course, we were on vacation and socializing, which guarantees that drink will be involved. Then, yesterday, we had visitors in town, who we took to Sonoma County for wine tasting. It was fun, but there’s this hangover… not just the alcohol hangover but also the “general overindulgence” hangover, in which I regret some of my actions and feel terrible about myself.

I really just need a lift. I need to do something good and positive and right and true, so I can redeem myself in my own eyes. Right now it’s just negative, negative negative. I probably should be taking a cue from other bloggers and keeping my negativity to myself, but that’s all I’ve got right now. Anyway, I’ll stop. It’s just been a while so I wanted to check in. I’m sure I’ll come out of this fog. It might just be hormonal. But right now it feels pretty impenetrable. Aargh.