I’m in Scotland, in the land of all the fattening food Dietgirl blogs about. I don’t even want to say what I’ve eaten thus far but I will brag about a 3 mile walk, in the rain, that we did yesterday. Ok, better go. Battery running low!

Biked to work today only to find that not only is a cycling commute “chic” but it’s also almost bike to work day. Gotta like that.

1. Yoga is teaching me to be aware of my body. With every movement of my (sore) muscles, I’m aware of my body’s capabilities, its strength, and its beauty.
   
2. Yoga is teaching me how to endure discomfort. At the class Wednesday we did some “yin” practice, which basically means that you just assume a stretchy position and relax. Rather than being all “yang” — more aggressive and outward — “yin” is more inward and yielding. But boy, it’s not easy. We got into position and it seemed fairly easy at first, but the longer I held the position the more pain I felt. I tried to relax and get over the pull of my muscles, breathing deeply and intensely. And I used my mind to focus on relaxing, and to focus on things other than the pain. I was thinking this aspect of Yoga might be applicable to situations in which my discomfort led me to eat (and this happens a lot with stress, boredom, etc.). If I could push through, as in Yoga, and breathe, rather than putting something in my mouth, that would be a huge breakthrough.
   
3. Yoga is teaching me that I deserve to treat my body well, and I deserve the time to do it. I’m really torn sometimes when it comes to doing things on my own, because it means leaving behind DH and the boy. I feel like we rarely get to spend time together as it is, and I make our time even more scarce by taking time by myself. But I really need that time, and it makes me a happier person, I think.
   
4. Yoga is teaching me how out of balance I have been in my life. I haven’t taken time for myself. I haven’t treated my body like the temple it is. I need to do these things, and desperately.
   
5. Yoga is teaching me that I might not need running or triathlon. For some time, I’ve struggled with these competitive sports. I enjoyed setting goals, like completing a marathon or triathlon, and achieving them. But at this weight, especially, I’m not even a middle-of-the-packer, and I spend way too much time silently berating myself for being too slow. I know you’re supposed to compare yourself only to yourself, but it’s not easy to do when the whole environment is set up as a race. Maybe I’m just not meant for that game. Or maybe Yoga, or something, will help me get over that.
   

My Tuesday weigh-in was a big success. Lost 3.2 lbs, some of which I’d gained the previous week, but still… And I’m just home from Wednesday night yoga which was quite intense and has me feeling more aligned and present within my body. Not sure that I’m super keen on this instructor’s style, but I think my body will benefit from the class. Bought a 6-class pass so I can try other instructors at the studio and see what ends up suiting.

Still planning to go to the Team in Training informational meeting Saturday, too.

Tonight is my first Tuesday WW weigh-in, and I’m so hopeful, and so scared and just generally overwrought. The scale numbers at home look good and I really need a boost, so I hope they carry over. I’ve really been doing well on Core, save for a few indiscretions now and then, but please please please let them not derail my efforts. I’m taking the boy, as usual, so hopefully he’ll behave and let me do my thing and pay attention.

I’m all psyched over the yoga thing right now. Am itching to re-arrange my life so that I can practice yoga at least 2x/week. I really felt like it helped me achieve some body awareness — in my core and all over — that I haven’t experienced for a while. In all, it helps reinforce my intention of eating well and taking care of myself. I just have to continue going on Sundays, and I have to get DH to come home at a decent hour on Mondays or Wednesdays so I can attend an evening class. (Probably Wed. given the need to spread things out.) Have felt really well the last couple of days but now a nagging pain is beginning to appear behind my shoulder blades.

Ok, so I never have thought of myself as a Yoga-ish person. In the last few years, I’ve been much more interested in running, and biking, and swimming — decidedly more aggressive sports. For strength, I’ve lifted weights. But my cousin, who has never thought of herself as a Yoga-ish person either, told me recently that she’s been taking classes and loving it. And it’s been giving her an amazing workout, too. So, in search of my new “exercise of choice” I tried a yoga class this past weekend. And today I’m really feeling it.

The class itself was aimed at beginners. The instructor was great. First of all, she had the body that I want — curvy enough but also lean enough to have superb muscle definition. Major inspiration there. Also, the studio (actually in the same building as my office) is gorgeous. Wood floors, exposed brick walls, skylights and plenty of windows. When you’re on the floor, what you see out the windows are the tops of trees and the Berkeley hills in the distance. You hear birds singing outside, and you feel cool breezes (if the windows are open — this weekend was gorgeous). It was an amazing atmosphere for such a class. I think I will be back.

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I have been feeling really depressed lately and am beginning to think it’s all sparked by the weaning. Kellymom.com (a resource for nursing mothers) says it’s not uncommon to experience depression and/or mood swings after weaning, especially if the weaning was sudden. Also, I finally started my first period (since 2004) after quitting breastfeeding. So the pre-period hormones were at work, as well. Still… I was on anti-depressant (Wellbutrin) drugs before I got pregnant, so maybe it’s just going to be something I need going forward. I’d all decided to talk to my doctor about it, but then I read the kellymom article and the period began. It’d be nice if this depression would just go away by itself…

It’s been a whole two days since I’ve been focusing pretty seriously on doing Core, and my weigh-in this morning seemed to indicate it is working. (I weigh-in every morning on my little % body fat scale, and try to average it all out so I know what’s an anomaly.) Such a boost to the ego and to the motivation to see numbers move downward, even slightly.

In my last year at college, many years ago, I was around 205 lbs and wanted to get serious about losing weight. Things were pretty relaxed. I was only taking 9 hours (3 classes) and I had a part-time job at a coffee shop in the local mall. No big pressure. I joined Weight Watchers, and I started losing — the pounds just seemed to fall off. Before it was all through, I graduated, moved back in with my mom (no job right out of college, alas), joined a gym, and continued the downward trend. I lost 70 lbs in all and, at my skinniest, bought a gorgeous “little black dress” in size 5/7.

It was really easy. Or so it seems to me now, looking back. I was completely militant about staying within my points and I managed to stay on program quite easily. I was even exercising nearly every day, becoming a Stairmaster junkie.

But then, the real stresses hit. I couldn’t find a job in my field (I ended up waitressing which was a complete bummer), my relationship with my boyfriend went on the rocks, and I just generally had a hard time adjusting to no longer being fat. I remember going out with one guy (not a great choice — someone I’d met in a bar) and he somehow got a look at my driver’s license and discovered I’d once been fat. “Ah, now I understand why you went out with me,” he mused. Even he’d known he was beneath me, but my self-image hadn’t caught up with my outer appearance.

Anyway, all this to say that I began to realize that there was another dimension to my weight problem — an emotional one. For a long time during the weight loss process I managed to convince myself that I just hadn’t been educated about how to eat healthy. Now that I knew the secret, I thought, all I have to do is follow WW and I can lose whenever I want. Ha.

Ok, so I’m rambling here but the point is that I’m going through something of an emotionally difficult time right now. I’ve got a young son who I adore. My husband hates his job and has just been asked by his company how he’d feel about moving to the East Coast (after having just moved us West a year and a half ago). My job is getting dull after 7 years and I’m just not getting the satisfaction out of it that I once did. Meanwhile, I am fat (back up to end-of-college level) and struggling with my identity.

Thankfully we’ve got a vacation upcoming, though I’m going to have to be very careful not to overdo it during the trip, as I’m headed to the land of fish and chips and fried Mars bars. Not to mention gallons of beer.

Lunch right now is some zucchini (seasoned with simple salt and pepper) I stir-fried up in olive oil the other night mixed with some bulgur wheat, made with chicken broth, that is also a two-day-old leftover. It’s remarkably delicious. When I bought this zucchini (aka courgette) at Trader Joes the other day, I immediately sauteed some ina little bit of butter to feed the impatient hungry child who is my son. He loved it. And I love that he’s so keen on a vegetable. It’s definitely one of my faves.

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I biked to work yesterday. Even took the boy to day care (in his bike trailer) along the way. He hated the (new) helmet and actually fell asleep in the 5 minutes it took for us to get to his day care. But I really liked being outside, and moving, and getting where I needed to go. It’s funny how being in a rush in the car translates to putting foot to gas pedal, while on a bike I was able to translate that “I’m late” adrenaline into real, physical action — like nature intended. It may have taken me 5 minutes longer, if that, to get to work (and back) by bike. I really want to love it, but I must admit I was happy to get the car back today. The equipment hassles, the discomfort, the sweat, etc. wasn’t so great… but the feeling of doing it was. Will have to just keep doing it until it’s second nature and the hassles don’t bother me any more.

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I weighed in on Tuesday (which I think is going to be my new day) and was up nearly 3 lbs. Not surprising considering I baked cupcakes for DH’s birthday and (wallowing in self-pity because he was away all day) ate many of them. Also, I guess going in the evening means I’ll weigh a little more from the day’s food/drink intake. But I think I’m going to keep up Tuesdays because I liked the leader, it fits into my schedule easily, and it’s just too easy to blow it off on a Saturday or Sunday because of the desire to sleep late, relax, or do other things. Signed up for a spring pass, too, so I’m committed.

I’m psyched about WW’s new Core Plan Manager which actually addresses some of the issues I wrote them to complain about recently. Good show, WW.

I’ve been feeling a bit like Mia in the “I need to put my hands up on this situation and admit that I am not up to this task” way. I’ve also been feeling like juju on SDP describes — the bad part, not the “conquering the bad part” part. Some of it is surely hormones. The boy is now weaned and I’ve been experimenting with birth control pills (don’t try this at home!) to disastrous effect.

But I went for a walk Saturday with a friend who was in town for the weekend. She credits me with inspiring her to do triathlons, which helped her reach her WW goal. And now she’s inspiring me to consider doing “Team in Training.” (For the Triathlon at Pacific Grove in Sept.) The thing that’s really been missing from my workouts (such as they are) has been any social aspect. I miss being around other people — friends — and sharing a goal. Up until now, I’ve been pretty busy with the boy, but DH promises he’ll support me (= take care of the boy) while I train. It’s just been hard to get motivated without any outside stimulus.

The money raising aspect I’m not super keen on, but this is a relatively local race so the cost for travel won’t be that high. And I have a lot of contacts and know how to use the Web for fund raising. There’s an informational meeting nearby in a couple of weeks so I plan to attend and see how it goes. One side of me is very excited. Another side is scared to death to hear the required commitment level, for fear I’d run away screaming. I can barely get things done in my life as it is. Then again, I’ve managed to squeeze things in, in the past, and been successful.

Any thoughts on TIT (from my vast audience) would be welcome…