I hate my wardrobe. Between moving to a different climate (NY to SF) and being pregnant (and now no longer being pregnant), everything is in a tizzy. I can sort of squeeze into things I used to wear pre-pregnancy, but I am not thrilled with the way things look, especially pants. Mostly I still wear maternity tops — yes, 7 months after the baby was born. Meanwhile, since we bought this house, money is tight, so I’m not running out to buy a new wardrobe. Not that I’d be thrilled buying things in a larger size, especially when my goal is to get smaller.

But I’m beginning to think I should do something along those lines. I bought a new suit for a conference that’s upcoming, and really feel like I look sharp in it. (And it’s not maternity! Yippee!) I need to get the pants altered for length, but otherwise it fits pretty well. Just putting it on gives me this whole new sense of self — a capable self that cares about her appearance.

At the moment, generally speaking, for work, I’m satisfied with wearing things that have some semblance of matching. I’m especially horrified by some black slip-on shoes that are comfortable but far from feminine. I practically wear those every day. At home on the weekends I’m pretty much in elastic-waisted pants and t-shirts. Not great, I must admit. Why DH still fancies me is beyond me. It must mean we are really made for each other.

Would taking more care (meaning buying new clothes I think flatter me) help me boost my self-image, thereby helping me eat (and exercise) like the person I envision myself to be? I mean, right now, I largely envision myself as a fat slob, so that certainly isn’t helping my eating habits. If I started dressing the part of a chic, self-confident milf, would that help me become that?

Over the next few weeks/months I’m going to start slowly adding to my wardrobe — DH is extremely supportive of this idea, by the way — and gauge how it makes me feel. I also need to get me to a hairdresser and get some highlights or something. This gray hair and shaggy haircut just won’t do.

BTW, WW WI tomorrow and I’m a bit scared. Also, biking may be completely off this weekend due to rain in the forecast. But there’s always running. The Burley trailer/stroller has a rain cover. And there’s the treadmill, too.

As I’ve picked up my physical endeavours the last few weeks (biking, running/walking, and daily sit-ups), I am noticing a change in the way my body feels. My legs feel more… taut, as I walk around the office. My posture feels more upright.

If I could continue to lose the lbs and keep up the fitness regimen, I know I wold feel 20x better, physically, every day.

What is keeping me from doing that? Impatience, for one. I go for the quick fix — the snack, the free baked goods on “bagel day” — rather than the long-term solution. Distraction is another reason. I spend a lot of time focusing on work, and on family life, and on money (or lack thereof), and neglect my own health and fitness.

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Somehow I had the idea that I’d lose this week, but I’m unclear as to why I thought that. There hasn’t been a single day that I’ve kept to WW Core principles. Sure, I feel like I can stray a little because I’m nursing, but things have just been ridiculous. We’re talking 2 bagels plus a little pastry on “bagel day,” plus teriyaki chicken (with tons of white rice) for lunch the other day. Today, lunch was a tuna melt, with all of the requisite bread, mayo and cheese. Plus baked potato “crisps.” What am I thinking?

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I am so looking forward to moving offices so I can have a bit more time before and after work to incorporate a daily jog or bike ride into my life. I expect to be moving mid-March but things are just creeping along.

This weekend, I’m doing the bike ride (35 miles) on Sunday instead of Saturday. It’ll be fairly close to home. Hopefully Saturday or Monday (or even Sunday) we can get in some family exercise, as well.

So, I came downstairs this morning and rushed to the secret hiding place where I had ferreted away DH’s Valentine’s gift and card. Unfortunately, DH was standing right in front of it. And he blanched a little when he saw me, asking if I’d seen anything in the living room. I’d rushed right past my present, it seemed. So he headed back into the living room, and I slyly grabbed his gift and joined him.

There, on the mantelpiece and on the armoire, were two vases bursting with yellow roses. And two cards. One said “to my wife” but it was the other that floored me. “To Mommy” it said. While I love my husband like crazy, the love I feel for my son right now is just so overwhelming and delicious, and to get a card like that — via DH, who sees how deeply I feel — just threw me over the edge. I burst out crying before I even got the teddy bear-shaped card out of the envelope. It’s been seven months now so I’m not so hormonal… just deeply sentimental and deeply in love with both of my Valentines.

P.S. This has been on my mind all day but I can’t blog about it, or even talk about it, anywhere else because it’s so outrageously sappy that I’m embarrassed.

I am a gadget fiend with a short attention span, but I think it’s safe to say that the Burley Bike Troller/Jog Stroller kicks butt. I expect we’ll be using it for years to come. We (the whole family) took it out Sunday for its maiden voyage as a jog stroller, having bought the “Walk and Roller” attachment last week. Wow. First of all, the run/walk totally floored me. I am getting better, but still have far to go even on the path to running 3 miles straight. But I don’t think the jog stroller will be a hindrance at all. It’s a little challenging to move from a hard stop to get up to speed, but once you’ve got the momentum going, it’s smooth sailing. I mostly pushed it with one hand, while using the other arm to keep running. I can also switch from one arm to the other very easily, so as to keep both arms in fairly regular motion. Oh, and the boy seemed to like it just fine. He fell asleep on the way out. He waked and started to whine a little bit on the way back, but I think it was only because he was hungry. Meanwhile, we were even able to stop at a grocery store along the way to get water, a few veggies for dinner that night, and some baby food. We just tossed it in the back of the Burley, which is apparently designed to handle 3 grocery bags. We are already plotting how we can carry a cooler for next year’s Bay to Breakers. All this to say “yippee!” Two big exercise sessions this weekend, and now that the boy can come along (either on a bike or a run), hopefully they will continue — especially as it begins to stay light later, and I begin working closer to home.

P.S. I’m feeling more positive now than in the previous post, but it’s definitely a problem I have. As I get fitter, I begin to compare myself to others, and I am always found wanting. I basically just keep picking more and more fit people to compare myself to, and somehow I always manage to fail. Bad Bad Bad Habit. Must work on that.

P.P.S. My heart rate monitor said I burned like 700 calories on the walk/run, which lasted about an hour (including shopping trip). I need to see if it’s set incorrectly, like if I still have it set for a much higher weight. Otherwise, just plain strange results. Also, it said my max heart rate for the run was 199 bpm which is kind of scary (but I believe that stat).

This is my heart rate monitor report of the bike workout yesterday. Supposedly (and I don’t actually believe this) I burned more than 4000 calories (4102, to be exact). Still, today at WW, I was up 1.8. I did eat quite a bit yesterday, both on the ride and afterward. So I’m hoping the weigh-in was just an anomaly given what I had yesterday. Still… a bit of a bummer.

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Am I the only one who can come off an exercise session feeling worse about myself? I get all depressed about how un-fit I am, compared to previously. And I sit there and compare myself with others. Am I fitter than her? Am I skinnier than her? Am I prettier than her? It feels almost pathological and can really rob me of the joy of the exercise itself.

Great post on Skinny Daily today about dissecting how a binge happens. I feel like the same thing — not the same details, but the same general stress and difficult feelings — has happened to me a million billion times. Here’s hoping I can learn to de-fuse the feelings better in future, as Jane describes in her post.

For some reason I’m really missing the boy today. A work colleague (someone I don’t really know) brought in her toddler today and just the little boy sounds got me all sentimental. I’ve got him basically to myself tonight, as DH is going to a sporting event with work buddies. There are times when I’d look at a night with the boy as somewhat burdensome — as he is a handful, and it’s hard to get anything accomplished when he’s around. But, then again, what if all I want to get accomplished is snuggling and spending time with my little one? Mission soon-to-be-accomplished

Part of my longing, I think, is due to the fact that I’ve got a long bike ride planned for tomorrow. I’m meeting up with a friend and the famous Lunachix for a 40-mile flat ride. I did OK with 28 last week, so wish me luck. Anyway, that’s a good few hours in a row when I’ll be out and away from the family. I’m really looking forward to it, but my feelings are definitely mixed.

My new suit (Size 18) arrived last night. It actually fits well and looks great, though it will have to be altered slightly for length. I’m a little disappointed that it isn’t huge on me, since I recently hit the “lost 10 lbs+” mark, but I’m trying to focus on how great it’ll be to look professional for my upcoming work trip. It’s been a really long time since I felt like I projected a professional image, what with being pregnant, then failing to fit into pre-pregnancy clothes, and simultaneously trying to avoid spending too much money. But DH insisted I spend the dough on some clothes for this trip, and I’m really glad he did. It’s like I hate buying things in Size 18, but at least I look good, and that’s encouraging. Must pack workout stuff for the work trip, too.

I lost 2.6 lbs this week, weighing in on Sunday rather than Saturday. I also biked 28 miles (by others’ cyclometers) Saturday, which was so awesome I am still coming down from the high. It’s like I began to regain a little bit of my identity, which sort of got lost along the way — its presence may even date back to before I got married. The group, Lunachix, was amazing and supportive and friendly. No more time right now!

I’m making the time.. for me, dammit! I’m bloggggging! Here’s what’s been going on.

1. This past weekend was pretty pathetic, eating-wise. I had a wonderful surprise with a loss of 1.2 lbs at WW, then I followed it up with a fantastic treadmill run Saturday (3 miles of mostly running, but some walking). Then we had pizza that night (whole wheat, but still…) and I gorged myself on chicken pot pie at some British pub-type place we visited on Sunday. I was really miserable.

   Me to husband: “I’m doomed. I’m never going to be successful at losing weight.”
   Him: “Oh, it’s partly my fault. I haven’t been supportive enough.”
   Me to husband: “It’s not your responsibility but you could help by being more encouraging when I cook healthy and you could suggest healthy things for dinner instead of making me do all the work and planning. And that might help us avoid driving through at McDonald’s or Jack in the Box as much as we do now.”
   Him: “I’ll try.”

   I really have such conflicting thoughts. One side of me wants to blame my husband, who can eat whatever he wants without gaining weight. He buys an incredible amount of potato chips, chocolate, etc. to keep around the house. But, then again, it’s really not his responsibility.

2. I am going on a bike ride! I’ve discovered a semi-casual all-female bike riding club that are meeting on Saturdays (and Sundays), so I’m going to join them Saturday for what’s billed as a flat 30 miler. I have no idea if I can actually complete 30 miles. It has been years. But I’ve got my DH to promise he’ll come pick me up should everything go pear shaped and I need rescue. Just knowing there’s a fallback position will help me get out there Saturday morning.

3. I am moving offices and the boy is moving day cares. Because my division was acquired, I’m having to move out of the office of my former employer. I’m the only one from the acquired company in the Bay Area, so I get to (read: have to) find my own office.

   Right now I’ve got a line on a couple of office share situations that sound good in a really beautiful building near home. It’s like 2.5 miles from home and nearly along the hike/bike trail that runs right in front of our house. And we’ve found a day care for the boy that’s between home and the building. The whole situation shortens my commute considerably (I timed office to day care yesterday and it’s less than 15 mins). But it means I will spend less time with DH, because we currently commute together as a family.

   One difficult aspect has been the fact that we’re yanking the boy out of his current day care, which we really like. It’s especially wonderful because he has a male caregiver, and I think it’s important for boys to interact with male teachers and such, rather than being exposed only to a female point of view. But the new day care provider, though female, speaks Spanish, which is great. Swings and roundabouts, as my DH would say.

4. We bought a Burley D’Lite bike trailer, which coverts to a walk/jog stroller. This’ll enable us to bike/walk/run as a family. It’s actually a 2-seater, which reflects our hope to have another little one in the next few years. I’m all excited because it’s a huge investment (lots of $$, even on eBay) but it represents our determination to be fit, and to teach the boy (and any future young-uns) to be fit. Also makes it possible for us to exercise together and with the boy, rather than having to trade off (one watches the boy, the other exercises). It’s so expensive, but we’ll make it pay off over the years!!!

I think that’s all. So many things to blog about, so little time.