I have so many ideas but NO time! How I miss blogging. How I miss time for myself!!! How I miss the blogging community. At least I can read and keep up with folks even though I feel like a lame-o for not participating. You guys are awesome! (If anyone is still reading ;-))

I want this: Garmin Forerunner 305 Wrist-Mounted GPS Personal Training Device: Electronics. I’m sure I’d quickly get skinny if I had one, right? Uh, yeah.

So… I just weighed in, and it was good news, though “undeserved.” I’m back under 200 at 199.8. More importantly, I’m psyched to start the week.

We are dealing with big changes in the household these days.

1. The boy is moving up to the non-infant (convertible) car seat. This may seem like a small thing but so far we’ve had the kind of seat you can take out of the car and carry him around in. The larger seat won’t let us do that, and it cements the fact he’s *gasp* growing up! Difficult for me to cope with.

2. We are trying to get the boy to sleep in the Pack ‘n’ Play bassinet instead of in bed with us. This is, I suppose, important to our marriage — and important to keep my husband sane when I travel for business next month. But it’s still so hard because I feel like I get so little snuggle time with the boy, what with working and all. In some ways, I feel like I’m abandoning him by leaving him to sleep elsewhere. But last night he did OK in the bassinet right next to our bed, until at 2 a.m. or so I dragged him into bed to feed him. I have such mixed feelings. I want him to gain independence but also want him to miss snuggling with me. Such is motherhood, I suppose.

3. Same sort of thing with breastfeeding. We are trying to get him more used to the bottle, so we have a bit more flexibility… and so eventually I can quit nursing and we can switch to formula. But I have such mixed feelings about that, too. It’s so crazy. Not to mention the weight-loss benefits of burning nursing-type calories.

4. I found out that job I posted about before is basically unavailable to me, because of legal issues. Long story. But it sucks.

5. I’m starting to exercise more. Discovered the couch-to-5K running plan which is awesome.

6. We are starting to get bi-weekly vegetable and fruit delivery from westsideorganics.com. Part of this is so we can feed the boy the good stuff. I’ve been steaming stuff and pureeing it in the food processor (or food mill) and so far he’s liking everything. He is a really good eater, which I must admit scares me a little bit.

Ok. Must sign off and go run/walk with Mia!

I’m eating a Pomelo/Pummelo that I bought on a whim at the grocery store. It’s HUGE (in line with my appetite these days) and tangy and tasty. I’d never heard of this fruit before but it’s apparently an ancestor of the grapefruit.

I’m starting a list of reasons why I want to lose weight and get healthier, in hopes it will help motivate me. The idea is that when I start becoming tempted to eat someting non-diet-friendly, I get a mental picture of all of the reasons why, which helps me turn away from the food.

So.. reason number one: Diabetes. My paternal grandmother had diabetes (type 2), but not until she got older. With all of my weight issues over the course of my life, and my Hispanic heritage, I think I’m probably a good candidate for it… and it sounds really really awful.

Another Saturday (WW WI day) after a not-so-great week and I’m up .4 pounds. Point-four pounds isn’t so bad, but there’s that psychological thing. It took me from 199.8 to 200.2. Bummer. The WW meeting was great. This was the second meeting I’ve gone to this week, officially, since I went the holiday Monday (since I couldn’t go last Saturday) and the difference between the two leaders — ostensibly teaching the same “lesson” — was amazing. The Saturday leader (whose name I forget) is a natural. Really, she’s making all the difference in keeping me at WW.

This week has been filled with a lot of stress. My boss is on vacation, and I’m basically in the interview process for another job. It’s a very different job than I’m doing now, so there’s some fear (DietGirl posts incredibly well on fear.) that I won’t be able to do it. There’s a lot of trepidation around the salary issue, too. I know what others are making — the range, anyway — but I’m dealing with a whole lot of self-doubt about whether I’m worth it. I am my own worst critic. Thankfully, I’ve got others around me — a good friend and my husband — cheerleading me on to a better self-image, job-wise. And, really, I’ve run the numbers and I need to make more to accommodate the requirements of the job — more travel, higher profile, etc. If I took it and didn’t make much more, I’d be losing money on the deal, which really isn’t acceptable. The key is that I need to be prepared to walk away if the salary isn’t right, and I’m getting all psychologically interested in making the change. I guess if it doesn’t work out I need to get back in the head space of doing my own, current job — or start looking for something else.

That’s been my main stressor this week, but there’s also the issue of time and sleep. It seems we are so busy that there’s no time for myself and no time to do much of anything besides maintain the job, the family, the house. Notice how I haven’t posted in this blog? Maybe things will settle now that the holidays are over and we’re back in our regular routine.

And now, some resolutions. I desperately need to motivate myself, and hopefully this will help.

1. Get a new job. As mentioned above, I am feeling the need for a change. This year, make it.
   
2. More vegetables. Now that the boy is eating solid foods, especially, it falls to me to set the food agenda in the household. I need more help from my husband, though. I think maybe I’ll start up more delivery from westsideorganics and get organic veggies/fruits in every other week.
   
3. More water. I honestly think I could nip some of my binges in the bud if I’d continually drink more water during the day. I’m going to go get one of those Nalgene bottles or maybe a WW bottle with a straw, to help me meet this goal.
   
4. Regular exercise. At least once a week (Saturdays) if not two. I probably need two or three to really make progress — which will motivate me to continue.
   

I’m starting to feel daunted by my list, so I will stop.

Ok, here’s another question that’s been on my mind. Maybe others can help me with it. Should we buy a dishwasher? At the moment, we wash everything by hand (such is the nature of our new house) and I feel like it keeps me from cooking as regularly as I should. I hesitate to dirty more dishes, and it’s common that the pots and pans I need to cook with are dirty. (It’s generally DH’s “job” to do the dishes.) Drawback is that there’s really no place to put a dishwasher at the moment. We could put a portable one in, but it would be something of an eyesore until and unless we remodel the kitchen. (Something in our long-term plan.) Am I just fixating on a “thing to buy” rationalizing that my weight loss can’t begin until I spend a bunch of money? (I tend to do this with exercise equipment. Right now I also “need” an iPod to get myself running/walking.) Or is this a justified thing that will contribute to the overall health (and financial health, since we will cook at home more) of our household? Thoughts?

Well, it’s a new year and I am still here. Our Christmas plans were ruined, but we made the best of things by going to New York to visit friends and do work-related stuff. New York with the boy was a bit of an experience (and I don’t mean in a good way), but it was a chance for lessons learned, that’s for sure. Thank goodness we are back.

Now, I find myself with a bit of a dilemma. I’ve been approached about taking a job, and I’m really of two minds about it. One side of me thinks it would be a great opportunity for me, but another wonders about the parent company and its overall health. Plus, it’s really something I haven’t done before — though I’m pretty confident I could do it — so there’s a bit of a fear factor there. I’m a little unsure of how I’d handle the new and different duties. I am totally up for a change. I’ve been doing the same thing for too many years now. But am I just falling for this opportunity because it’s the first thing to come along? Or is it really the right thing for me? *Sigh* I’ve managed to worry myself quite a bit about this already and it just came up today.

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On the weight front, I’m not doing so terrible but I’m not doing so great, either. I went to WW Monday and I was up from my lowest recent weight, but down from the previous weigh-in. So it’s good, generally. Today has been hard, though, as I’ve tried to stay on program. All of a sudden I can’t eat wantonly any more and I can’t use food so much like a coping mechanism. Well, I can do that somewhat, but not in the same way. It’s been an adjustment, that’s for sure.

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Meanwhile — and this ties in with the work thing — I am pondering what to do about breast feeding. I have a business trip coming up and it’d be a real challenge to keep BFing and pumping through the trip (probably a week long). And, yet, I don’t know if I’m ready to give it up entirely. We watched “march of the penguins” and some special about a panda cub being born on Animal Planet, and my mothering instinct really kicked in, big-time. I so wanted to take care of my baby in that so-natural way. Since then, though, my interest in continuing has waned a bit. The boy needs to be more independent and I need to get my body back. But when???