Wow. I lost 3.8 lbs this week, bringing me down to a total loss of 5.2. Truly amazing. It makes me realize how much junk I had been eating before, because I certainly haven’t been deprived with regard to QUANTITY. Not deprived in any way, really, but definitely eating different things. I’m surprised, what with my bit of overindulgence on the anniversary night, but of course happy and encouraged. I walked around all day yesterday with a smile on my face. Last night we went to a poker party and I wore some jeans I hadn’t worn since before pregnancy, and a top I’d tried on a few times recently, but rejected because I thought it was looking too small. I felt pretty darned good, I must say. Even broke out some make up and jewelry I rarely wear. I felt like myself again in a fabulous way. And that only after a 5.2 pound total loss. Imagine… (and I am, believe me).
The party itself was a little challenging as the food wasn’t diet friendly at all. But I just watched my portion sizes and hopefully it’ll all work out. At least it was early in the week, so I have time to make up for it.
On more emotional issues. I noticed as I was starting to get ready for this bash that I found myself thinking about the two other women I know who were going to be there. They both are in a similar position as I am — with weight issues and recently post-partum. I found myself hoping that I looked better to them, hoping I was skinnier than them. I also found myself trying to hide that I was avoiding dessert, feeling like it might make them uncomfortable, and yet feeling quietly superior at the same time.
I wonder sometimes if this is just a female thing. Is it inevitable, this competition thing? Or is it just part of my particular pathology? I do wish I could stop relentlessly comparing myself to others because I feel it’s so unproductive. Why does it matter if I’m fatter or thinner than someone else? We’re all married, with children, so it’s not like we’re competing for a mate. We’re all individuals, on our own paths. I should want to look good for myself and take pleasure it in only for myself… not because I’m better than someone else. But these thoughts just come to my head, unbidden.
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