I think I’ve snapped out of it now, but this morning I had a major case of “sorry for myself” syndrome. DH is off to pay soccer on Sunday mornings, and so I’m left at home by myself with the boy. Longtime readers will know we just moved to this area about a year ago (Thanksgiving will be our one year anniversary), so we don’t have a huge social network around here. Being pregnant and having an infant aren’t exactly conducive to meeting new people, either. We’re doing okay — meeting new friends is going about as one might expect — but I am definitely lonely some of the time, especially when DH leaves to go do something else. Anyway, I got into a bit of a funk this morning about it as he left. I’m notorious for trying to make him feel guilty, which I feel kind of bad about, actually.

“Do you want me to stay?” he asked.

I knew full well there was no way he’d miss a soccer game, and anyway this was more about my situation, not his. I don’t want to rob him of his fun. That’d just make me feel even more pitiful. Not sure exactly what happened — though I did talk on the phone to my brother and my dad — but I started to feel better around the time I started doing dishes and getting things accomplished around the house. (This, of course, could only happen after the boy fell asleep!) Am proud of myself that I avoided the fairly huge bag of halloween candy we have lying in the living room. I’m not feeling super tempted these days but I know there’ll be days it won’t be as easy. Need to get new habits in place so I can deal with sad and lonely feelings more easily.

Visitors to the actual site (instead of the RSS feed) will notice a change. I’ve switched to Typepad software and am using a standard design template. I’ve been hosting some other blogs on Typepad so just decided to go ahead and make the switch. One thing I’ve noticed is that you really have to type the www in www.mybodymyblog.com or you get a placeholder page (which sucks). Trying to figure out how to address that. Also, it’s a bit lame that no comments were translated over to Typepad. Will try to work that out, too. Anyway… welcome to the new design!

Today’s weigh in was another victory. One more pound gone. It’s hard to get that excited about one pound, after last week’s 3.8 pound excitement, but I keep reminding myself that it’s one step at a time. There’ll be weeks I lose little, and there’ll be weeks I lose more. Hopefully there won’t be too many weeks in which I gain. Adding in exercise will help, that’s for sure, as will more fresh fruits and veggies. But if I lose one pound even on a not-so-fantastic week, that’s still great. I’m on the right road.

Went to Trader Joe’s and picked up a few different fruits and veggies after the meeting this morning. Grapes, plums and apples from the fruit section. Sugar snap peas and carrots in the vegetable arena. Am actually in the middle of cooking dinner now, so better start paying more attention.

199 this morning. Ah, a wee bit of encouragement is all I need to make my day. Weigh in tomorrow morning.Then to Trader Joes or the farmers market for more good fruits and veggies. Mia Goddess writes today about nursing a baby and dieting. In some ways I find nursing really helps - it burns calories; it helps me relax and get more in tune with my body; it helps me bond with the boy which is great, mentally.

But in other ways, it makes things more difficult — it makes me uncomfortable sometimes when I feel "full;" it’s a distraction; it makes me really hungry; it takes up time (when I pump at work) which takes away from relaxed eating and planning time; it stresses me out when I can’t pump or am worried about whether I’ll have enough milk for the boy; it makes it harder to exercise, I think, because my breasts are more heavy and sensitive. (Last night I almost got on the treadmill but I couldn’t find my special bra and I am all itchy from a rash which made me less than excited about sweating. Poor excuses, I know.)

Net net, nursing is a really good thing, I think. Mostly because I feel really good about providing for the boy, and knowing that he’s getting the good stuff, which will hopefully help prevent him from dealing with obesity-related issues later in life. Plus, the calorie burning thing is really great. One side of me is eager for a time when I can cut back or drop it altogether, but another side doesn’t want to give it up — I love providing and bonding with my baby in such a special way.

One of the big victories of the last few days I want to celebrate here is the fact we haven’t gone out or ordered takeaway in at least a week. Last night we had a lovely dinner — and I can’t wait to have leftovers for lunch today.

Last weekend, I’d bought a butternut squash (thankfully it came with a sticker of instructions on how to cook it), and it was still sitting in the refrigerator last night. DH was late coming home, so I had a bit of time to prepare dinner — though I had to do it while simultaneously keeping the boy happy and entertained. (He likes playing in his gym for only so long, and I love spending time with him, anyway.) So… I started the butternut squash roasting, got a whole-grain rice-like mixture (contains pearl barley and I’m not sure what else) going with some chicken broth in the rice cooker, and I browned some lean(er) ground beef.

When it was all cooked, I diced (and mushed up) the squash and mixed it all together with a lot of salt and pepper. It was really delicious, and when DH got home he was thrilled. (That’s just a bonus!) Even better, there were actually leftovers for today. I’m getting hungry just writing about it.
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So things are going OK on the cooking and, seemingly, the food front. I weighed again this morning (aargh! I can’t stop myself!) and again it was an even 200 (naked). I know my clothes weigh more than a pound and my WW WI last week was 201, so I’m a little afraid I’ve had a gain this week. Here’s what I think I might be doing wrong: too few fruits/veggies, not enough exercise, too-large portion sizes. So I think the first and last items will be easiest to address, as the whole caring-for-a-4-month-old schedule is still quite difficult, time-wise. (I think this will get better as he starts eating solid food and sleeping through the night.) Anyway, I’m going to work on those things but generally keep going as I’ve been going.

My deepest fear is that I must be doing something radically wrong because it has been too easy. And that my loss last week was a fluke. I’m going to push away thoughts like that and just persevere. If it turns out I need to make bigger changes, I will.

You know those size 18 pants from Old Navy I wrote about before? Well I an wearing a pair today and they feel quite loose - except in the thighs. Anyway it is a good feeling in some ways to be able to wear something that seemed so tight before. However I stepped on the scale this morning to find the number above 200 after a couple of days below (I am talking sans clothes here.). Perhaps this is an example of why you shouldnt weigh in between meetings or maybe it is a wake up call to tell me I need to do better. I am just going to stay the course though and see how the week shakes out. I still feel better just for eating better but more fruits and veggies are probably in order.

We went to costco this past weekend and for a while I got a bit depressed. There was row upon row of tempting looking food, much of it easy and quick to prepare. We passed by many of my old favorites - flavored oatmeal, fresh chicken pot pie, etc. - but of course none of it was core. Since the whole objective of the outing was to save money on things we could prepare at home, I was a little bummed. Then there is that deprived feeling you get when you are surrounded by things you cant have. Anyway, it got better. We got beef barley canned soup, veggies in cans and some meat items. Not a bad outing in the end.But I guess it struck me that I am bound to have such challenges in the weeks and months ahead. I expect they will get easier as results reinforce my better eating habits. But I need to steel myself for challenges.

Wow. I lost 3.8 lbs this week, bringing me down to a total loss of 5.2. Truly amazing. It makes me realize how much junk I had been eating before, because I certainly haven’t been deprived with regard to QUANTITY. Not deprived in any way, really, but definitely eating different things. I’m surprised, what with my bit of overindulgence on the anniversary night, but of course happy and encouraged. I walked around all day yesterday with a smile on my face. Last night we went to a poker party and I wore some jeans I hadn’t worn since before pregnancy, and a top I’d tried on a few times recently, but rejected because I thought it was looking too small. I felt pretty darned good, I must say. Even broke out some make up and jewelry I rarely wear. I felt like myself again in a fabulous way. And that only after a 5.2 pound total loss. Imagine… (and I am, believe me).

The party itself was a little challenging as the food wasn’t diet friendly at all. But I just watched my portion sizes and hopefully it’ll all work out. At least it was early in the week, so I have time to make up for it.

On more emotional issues. I noticed as I was starting to get ready for this bash that I found myself thinking about the two other women I know who were going to be there. They both are in a similar position as I am — with weight issues and recently post-partum. I found myself hoping that I looked better to them, hoping I was skinnier than them. I also found myself trying to hide that I was avoiding dessert, feeling like it might make them uncomfortable, and yet feeling quietly superior at the same time.

I wonder sometimes if this is just a female thing. Is it inevitable, this competition thing? Or is it just part of my particular pathology? I do wish I could stop relentlessly comparing myself to others because I feel it’s so unproductive. Why does it matter if I’m fatter or thinner than someone else? We’re all married, with children, so it’s not like we’re competing for a mate. We’re all individuals, on our own paths. I should want to look good for myself and take pleasure it in only for myself… not because I’m better than someone else. But these thoughts just come to my head, unbidden.

Last night the boy rolled from tummy to back for the first time. I cried, both with joy and with sadness that his daddy wasnt there to see it. DH went you for a drink with friends and I must admit I was lonely. I didnt eat too much though, which was good. Still today I brought leftovers from Tuesday in to work. It is way too much for one meal and since it is pasta I should only have one meal of it today. (I already had a big bowl for breakfast.) Yet I hate for it to go to waste, especially with us so broke. I hate it when my values clash like this.

I feel kind of bad and snobby about semi-dissing Macaroni Grill in my last post. Though my previous experience at the local joint was pretty bad (terrible service both times we went there), last night was really lovely. We had a great waitress who got us everything we needed and wanted. Our whole bill (sans tip) was less than we paid for port last year. (I think I got the port $ wrong yesterday, because it was $15 a glass. Aargh.) Funny how your priorities change over the years.

I “cheated” a bit as it was a special night, but tried to stick to general healthy stuff. Whole wheat penne pasta in pesto topped with roasted garlic, mushrooms, broccoli, grilled chicken and applewood-smoked bacon (ok, so bacon ain’t healthy). I didn’t eat any of the bread they bring you beforehand, and also passed on appetizers and dessert. Had a glass of the self-serve Chianti and some decaf coffee afterwards. I was completely satisfied, and didn’t really want dessert. Meanwhile, DH stuffed himself and regretted it a bit afterwards. The boy, sitting in his infant car seat next to us in the booth, was amazingly well behaved. He is such a joy.

I kind of screwed up and didn’t plan very well for today. Things like fruit, soup, etc. were left behind at home. Meanwhile, the cafe here in the building is having one of my faves - breaded chicken with pasta, etc. I shouldn’t even talk about it because it’s a major temptation. It’s one of those things that I can just chow down on mindlessly until — before I know it — it’s gone. But I’m determined to pass it up and make it through today without straying. I have some unsweetened applesauce, some carrots, oatmeal and popcorn so that should do me so long as I can have soup (or maybe salad?) from the cafe.

I’m feeling stronger and leaner, though I haven’t done MUCH exercise. Just feeling more at home in my body, which is encouragement, also, to continue. I’m not expecting much of a loss, if any, this week due to overindulgence last night, but we’ll see.