Another note: all of the below is still true but I had my baby in July and am back on track trying to lose weight/get fit.

Note: All of the below is still true, but I did get pregnant in October (as I mentioned hoping to below). So my main goal right now is to not gain too much, and to set myself up for a healthy lifestyle after the baby is born. Due date is July 10.

I’m a 37-year-old married American girl who has struggled with weight issues all my life. I’ve been all over the map, weight-wise, over time, but have never really felt like I had a very comfortable relationship with food. Hard to explain, I guess, but that’s part of the reason I started this blog — as an effort to explore my thoughts and feelings around food and exercise.

I’m also about the fattest I’ve been in years and I’ve tried innumerable ways to deal with the problem. I started gaining weight (after having lost quite a bit) after getting engaged to be married. Then I dealt with the stresses of planning the wedding. We got married. And a few months later I got (accidentally) pregnant. We rolled with the punches and started to shape our lives around being parents. We told our friends, family, acqaintences — basically, everyone. Then things went horribly wrong and we lost the baby.

Needless to say, it wasn’t the easiest time for me, emotionally, and I never lost the 25 pounds or so I had gained while pregnant. It’s been more than a year now, and I’m still in the same place.

As for my history. From about ten years old, I can remember thinking of myself as fat. I remember being weighed-in at gym class in elementary school, and being horrified that I weighed the same as a boy on whom I had a desperate crush.

I was convinced I was fat — and probably was plump. Still, I was athletic and played softball and soccer until all there was left were school-sponsored sports. At school, I never made any team for which I tried out. The sedentary lifestyle began.

Then, when puberty hit I got really big, finally hitting around 205 when I was in college. I remember sitting around and ordering a large pizza to be delivered, then eating the whole thing in one sitting. My best friends then were no better than I, which didn’t help. At last, in my final year of college, I became determined to lose weight. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 70 pounds. It was then I realized that eating and weight issues are so often tied to emotional issues. By that time I knew how to eat right — but could I?

Since then, I’ve been up and down. I’ve run a marathon, I’ve done lots of sprint triathlons and 2 Olympic distance tris. I’m not unfit, even now. When I work out I can do 30 minutes to an hour of aerobic exercise without too much trouble — though it doesn’t take as much to get my heart racing as it used to. Right now, as I start this journal, I can’t run for more than a few minutes.

I’m a bit unsure as to my weight-loss and fitness goals. What’s really most important to me right now is that I get pregnant again, fairly soon. I’m getting up to my late thirties now, and I really feel like it’s time. So I’m not really imagining myself as a slim, svelte miniskirt-wearing woman right now. Should our efforts to conceive be successful, I’d like to be a fit, in-shape mom-to-be, and then show my kid(s) how to lead a healthy lifestyle. Of course, I have to learn how to, first.